Your day starts off well. It’s Halloween (Happy Halloween!).
Everyone is excited, talking about costumes, candy, going to parties…
But suddenly, you find yourself alone, maybe in the woods, or a cemetery, or another dimension, a hell-spawn universe, basement, attic, abandoned summer camp, alley, decaying amusement park, no matter the location, it’s dark and foggy, silent, scary.
Your plans for picking up pizza before going out to a Halloween party now seem a dream while you’re in a nightmare.
Here are some ways to survive and even thrive what comes next:
1. Do not, I repeat, do not go to “check things out”, you’re better off not knowing.
2. Don’t call out things like, “Is anyone there?” or “Who’s there?”. You won’t like the answers.
3. Find a good hiding place. Don’t make a lot of noise – don’t sob loudly or leave your cellphone on (it’s the one time someone will actually call) and for goodness sake, don’t leave two seconds after the scary goes by. Rest, take stock, and come up with a plan, but not an overly-elaborate Scooby-Doo plan. Shhh!
4. Don’t depend on someone coming to rescue you, we’ve seen horror movies, there’s a good chance that nice neighbour, helpful police officer, boyfriend, girlfriend, sibling, parent, whoever, is going to get killed trying to help you.
5. Don’t try to be brave or set traps when confronted by a demon, witch, warlock, ghoul, monster, ghost, alien, vampire, zombie, etc. They’re supernatural, trust, they have the advantage…Run away.
6. Don’t go all hero and decide you’re going to go and fight the serial killer. He/she is a success story, hence the word, serial in their job title. It usually ends in death, dismemberment, maiming, and/or all of the above.
7. Don’t let your possessed GPS lead you to places with names like:
Satan’s Kingdom, Transylvania, Bloody Springs, Silent Hill, Helltown, Amityville, Monster, or Bad Axe (really, it’s scary, trust me, I know) and apparently all small towns in New England have an overabundance of spooky and bad things happening in them, go figure.Don’t check into a hotel or motel, even if you’re really tired, don’t have to stay in: The Overlook (all work and no play makes Donna a dull ghoul, all work and no play makes Donna a dull ghoul…), the Bates Motel (you’re clean enough, don’t take a shower), Pinewood Motel, or Motel Hell (the name may be a clue).Stay off streets with names like: Elm Street, Hanging Hill Lane, or Lucifer Dr.Summer camp at Crystal Lake…just no.
8. If you see a book of spells, a book of the dead, or any literature (even electronic) covered in weird symbols, human flesh, or it’s seeping blood, growling, showing you a gaping abyss to the fiery pits of Hell, I don’t care how bored you are, don’t read it, especially out loud.
9. If you’re joined by others in this nightmare, stick to them like glue, don’t say things like: “We should separate“ or “You go and check upstairs and I’ll check the basement”. This is not the time to be independent.
10. A life that has suddenly become a horror film is not the time for: heart-to-heart chats, true confessions, make-out sessions, sex, ‘working things out’, taking a bath, shower, sleeping, arguing, ‘clearing the air’, drugs, and/or drinking – wait until the bad things are gone.
11. If loved ones or companions start growling, vomiting pea soup, hissing, head-spinning, have glowing eyes, misshapen features, sudden hairiness, get all pretzelly with their bodies, start climbing on the ceiling or floors, have a sudden fascination with blood – this isn’t the time to practice tolerance and acceptance – run!
12. Receive a fancy invite to a spooky mansion for a party, inheritance, game, challenge? Don’t go, really, even if it seems cool, or lucrative, skip it (you’ll thank me later and by that I mean you’ll be alive to thank me later).
13. So you think you’ve triumphed and killed your zombie, monster, serial killer, etc., that’s awesome, pat yourself on the back, just don’t go closer to check if it’s really dead (it isn’t).
14. I know they’ve told us puzzles are good for our brain, will stop Alzheimer’s, dementia, etc. but that won’t be your worst problem if one of those puzzles opens a portal to Hell, or looses demons upon the world, bringing about the End of Days, etc. Stick to crosswords, Sudoku, Find-A-Word.
15. It’s nice to be good at something but even if you’re really good, like genius-level good, don’t play with recombinant DNA, especially if you’re really good at it.
16. Deserted town? Leave. Leave quickly. But first, listen to the old crazy who tells you there’s a curse, or alien invasion, or possession – he’s the last one alive, he knows stuff.
17. Don’t borrow or steal from the dead. Don’t wake the dead. Don’t try to talk to the dead even if you think they might have helpful information. Don’t even think about the dead. Just concentrate on living.
18. If your children, pets, parents, co-workers, friends, etc. start speaking to you in Latin, or ancient Babylonian, or some alien language or they try to get you to kick a football, it’s time to run and get help (psst, they’re going to move the football).
19. Don’t fall asleep (I got this one covered).
20. Don’t go to the authorities, they’re probably already altered in some way, or they won’t believe you, or you’ll get them killed, maybe all three.
21. If something or someone is after you, run, cycle, or take a bus. Not only are they more environmentally-friendly, but your car, normally reliable, is now in horror movie or nightmare scenario, this time it won’t start, or it will take you a really long time to start. That taxi you call? The driver will be possessed or have an alien attached to his face. Uber, sure, but your driver will be a ghost or a deranged lunatic (hard to tell if that’s a horror thing or just, well, you know), or something really, really bad.
22. On an alien planet, Hellplain (Hellplane?), or Earth, stay away from: giant eggs, pods, glowing things, ooze, goo of any kind, furniture that moves on its own, scary clowns (with or without red balloons), TVs that lead to other worlds, hockey masks, machetes, chain saws, cabins, creatures, etc. Don’t wander around on your own or go looking for someone.
23. Don’t assume you’re the “Final Girl”, or some other horror movie troupe. Assume you’re the one that gets killed in the first 5 minutes and try to change that.
24. Let’s say you’ve read too many erotic paranormal novels (How many is too many? Asking for a friend.), watched too much “Twilight” or “Buffy”or whatever and you think you’re gonna hook up with some sexy vampire, demon, werewolf…Even if your milkshake brings all the ghouls to the yard, then what, you gonna strike a pose, hand on hip, duck lips out and take a selfie while doing your best Mae West impression, “Is that a knife in my back or are you just happy to see me?”.A supernatural romantic rendezvous is only sexy in movies/TV shows/books because you can’t smell the sulfur, dried blood, and pure evil. Take a ‘Calamity Cosmo’ quiz – seductive supernaturals are strictly wham-bam-now-you’re-damned-ma’am.Remember, dating a serial killer is a relationship killer.
25. You suddenly appear in your home, you think you’re safe, but then you remember, I found out about this place from a flaming note and I only paid with my signature in my blood.
Yup, your house is probably built on an old cemetery, ancient burial ground, where they use to perform rituals or sacrifices, or some other bad stuff, you’re still not safe, cut your losses, or get a really good supernatural real estate agent. And you may or may have sold your soul. Only time will tell. But it’s a great neighbourhood, close to a school, a ghoul, and a swimming pool (full of skeletons).
Most important? Good shoes. No heels, slippery soles, or untied laces. You’ll still fall (tripping over nothing) as you’re being chased, but your odds are better if you have good shoes.
Good luck…and I hope this never happens to you, but if it does, now you know what to do and what not to do!
Happy Halloween 2019!