The sun set; dusk fell on the shelf, and lights began to appear along the stove. That which blends, so held, in hand or all alone, such power, to mix, to mash, to merge, to fuse, once individual, now as one, together. The upper reaches, the place of monstrous leftovers, marked ominously with a date, huddle in the brooding gloom of fridge light, mocked by the enticing garish glare of magnet cradled take-out flyers.
“And this,” she noted suddenly, “has to be one of the dark places of the earth.”
In the static of their surroundings, the slightly scornful pots, pans, knives and other pointy things lurked, growled their promise, ready to play the food game.
She doggedly tried to follow the medically suggested diet; the worst that could be said of her was she wanted to believe.
Food is not for the faint of heart, it beckons, it bubbles, it boils, it brews, it even burns...Food, as perplexing as the definition of fake news. My food feelings? Let’s just say, my kitchen and me, we’re officially changing our relationship status to, “It’s complicated”.
Let’s Play – 7 Ways To Survive Your Kitchen!!!
1. Have your recipes, like blog posts and/or synopsis ready – in your head, online, or written down. Have all your ingredients out first, nothing worse than being halfway through and notice you’re not rising to the occasion.
2. Cooking is time-consuming, like blogging, like writing, like life itself, but if you clean up as you go, it’s easier. Try baking soda and vinegar – ecofriendly, frugal, and together they’re an explosive combination, seriously you can make a volcano while cleaning. Don’t forget to snap on your rubber gloves and clean that dirty, dirty oven. Maybe you’ll have naughty dreams about kitchens – hot, steamy dreams about someone else cooking/cleaning for you, oh yeees!!!
3. Tempted by takeaway/takeout, fast food, even processed foods? Remind yourself it’s bad for your waist and wallet. Same goes for blogging, fast and processed, you can get that anywhere, isn’t it better to go for the real thing.
4. Easter is an egg-cellent time to dye eggs, naturally, with family, friends (even imaginary ones), and furfriends. Then you can still eat them, the eggs, not family, friends, or furfriends. Is your egg a good egg? Fill a bowl with water. Gently place “suspicious” egg in the bowl. Does the egg stay on the bottom sideways – a good egg! Does it stand up, but lean drunkenly to the side – still good, but better really a pickled egg. Stands straight up, still ok, but use, like right now. Floating? A bad egg (cue the Veruca Salt song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). I am the maker of merriment, the dreamer of dreams (in case you were away https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/09/heres-to-the-ones-who-dream/).
5. Beware The Pointies! It seems like kitchen gadgets, utensils, tools, gizmos, appliances, etc. are designed to somehow maim, mangle, or even murder those innocently trying to cook.
Kitchens are deathtraps. Be safe.
6. Lettuce us celebrate cooking! Like blogging, writing, social media, friendships, relationships, work, and life in general, it can be a time-eater. Orange you glad we didn’t make a big dill about this game? Romaine calm, even if you feel like you’re playing ketchup with all the relish you can mustard. Just beet it and spaghetti out of here.
7. Life is like a paper bag…You just never know when you need to cover, conceal, meltdown, carry, ripen (seriously easy way to ripen your avocados, bananas, apples, tomatoes, etc.), and you really never know when you’re going to need a puppet. Be ready.
Oh life, it’s bigger
It’s bigger than you (doesn’t feel like it on a bloat day)
And you are not me (not even on a bloat day)
The lengths that I will go to,
the chocolate that adds to my thighs
Oh no, I’ve ate too much
I didn’t eat enough?
That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my willpower….
I thought that I heard you baking
I thought that I heard you grill
I think I thought I saw you fry
Consider this, a hint of cake and cookies
Consider this, the stroganoff
That brought me to my knees
That was just a dream
Try, cry, why try
That was just a dream
Just a food dream
Just a food dream
Well, dear readers, do you want to keep playing? Awesome, then tell me your: food battles, food love affairs, diets, tips, advice, recipes.
I’d like to thank those who inspired the game: food, Joseph Conrad, Martin Sheen, R.E.M., Liam Neeson – I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for onions or garlic, I can’t have them. But I do have are a very peculiar set of skills, skills I have acquired over years of cooking…
How do I stay positive in a negative world? I’m positive I’ve had brushes with cynicism, brief flings with pessimism, but lately I’ve been feeling less, I don’t know, less confident in the positive aspects of life. In days past, I thought being positive and honest was doing the right thing.
I somehow believed being positive and honest would help me have a ‘good life’, it would make me ‘happy’, maybe even help others have a ‘good life’, but society keeps screaming at me that I’ve got it all wrong. And the screams are getting louder every day.
Dishonest people get what they want.
Greedy people get what they want.
Narcissistic people get what they want.
At least it seems that way.
Maybe I’m over thinking this, being too adult, too mature, maybe Steve Franks got it right in the Psych (best TV series ever or pretty close) theme song, “I’m not inclined to resign to maturity”. If what I saw in the past few years is adulting, then I see why: video games, smartphones, fast food, onesies, drones, vacations, etc. are so popular – they make us feel like children again.
Speaking of feeling like a child, while I still have Netflix for free and returned to Stars Hollow to catch up on Gilmore girls Resurrected (isn’t that the title, it should be).
When I started watching Gg, in 2000, the world was a really different place.
It hadn’t been completely invaded by smartphones, fake news, and lattes – people still talked to each other, only had semi-fake news, and drank basic legal stimulants, er, coffee…
Seven seasons of Gg…still going? Thanks, charming-fast-talkers-narcissistical-wholesome-spend-the-GDP-of-a-small-country-on-food-emotion-stringtuggers who make me feel hungry and slightly brain hurty.
Brain hurt aside, I don’t want to drink the Objectivism koolaid https://yadadarcyyada.com/2013/08/29/the-pursuit-of-happiness-cult/
It revived the ghosts of TV past and present (dare I hope, future?): Smallville, Roswell, Buffy, Charmed, Jared Padalecki – portrayed Dean in Gilmore Girls, later plays Sam in Supernatural, with his brother, Dean played by Jensen Ackles, hmmm, I’m confused https://yadadarcyyada.com/2013/08/26/supernatural-impala/
So, oops, I watched it again…
Apocalyptic/fantasy/historical books, movies, and TV shows are sooo popular: Hunger Games; DoctorWho; Colony; The Matrix; Vikings; Westworld; Grimm; Sleepy Hollow; Game Of Thrones; The Walking Dead; Terminator; Supernatural; Revolution; The Last Man on Earth; Z Nation; Aftermath (you get the point).
Worlds in these books, movies, and TV shows are full of horrible things, really horrible things, but…less consumerism, fewer people arguing over everything and not seeing other people’s points of view, less obvious fakeness, no smart phone dependency, and pimped out coffee – I can learn to handle a crossbow or find someone else who can handle one.
My New Year’s resolutions just begging to be broken…
Avoid foods that make me feel sluggish, ill, regretful, sigh, oops I ate it again.
Stop celebrating birthdays. This birthday made me feel my mortality – or was it watching long lists of celebrities who died in 2016, hmmm, I’m far from a celebrity, so I’m probably ok, for now.
Less watching shows like Van Helsing (the series); it’s good, if you like apocalyptic world orders where life is drained out of people – since Trump was elected POTUS and hacking in general (Russia in particular) is a cool thing now, I’m guessing the answer is a big fat juicy ‘yes’!
Don’t smirk when I hear stupid or bizarre things, ie. birthday platitudes like, “Your best years are ahead of you”. Really? Saying I’m in midlife wasn’t unrealistic enough? Unless I win a super-duper lottery, and/or get a 50 book publishing deal, https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/21/how-to-get-your-book-published/ and/or start dating David Tennant or James Roday (at the same time?), my best years are years I can only remember (what I can remember). And when people tempt fate at New Year when they say next year couldn’t be any worse (especially this year). Really?
Live my life with more passion, don’t give in to FOMO https://yadadarcyyada.com/2014/11/08/is-everyone-hanging-out-without-me/ and never run out of Windex, wait, that might all have to do with watching My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2.
I know, you know…
I doubt my purpose in life depends on being happy all the time https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/09/20/if-i-had-a-million-dollars/
I doubt I’d be filled with bliss if #FreshlyPressed (certainly not after the post I wrote, oops, how bridge burny of me) https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/03/26/why-i-will-never-be-freshly-pressed/
I doubt I’ll be hopped up on unmitigated glee at being the best paid blogger in the world (like to try). https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/08/27/message-in-a-bottle/ https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/04/10/im-hooked-on-a-feeling/
Positive or not, I’m going to ignore aches/pains, lack of millions (coupons and sales rule!), lack of sleep https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/11/17/follow-your-dreams-go-to-bed/ and other icky life problems. I resolve to give and receive kindness, unabashedly; grab that imaginary oxygen mask on that imaginary plane, breathe in, breathe out, and be as happy as I want to be.
I’m going to enjoy giving and receiving laughter.
Enjoy the pineapple.
Enjoy the music.
Enjoy the books.
Enjoy time with family and friends (in person or online).
Enjoy the cake and cookies.
Enjoy movies and TV shows.
Enjoy snow or sun or rain.
Who knows what I’ll gain (Friends, followers? Followers who become friends?).
Welcome to 2017, go out and be!
Resistance can suck. It’s draining to be straining, pulling this way and that, feeling like you’re going nowhere, fast…I’m trying to think of it as a chance to build emotional muscles. Note the word ‘trying’. I guess I could also think of it as The Facts of Life or Growing Pains (RIP Alan Thicke, I’ll never get the TV themes you wrote out of my head).
I’m trying to resist the siren call of Netflix (note the word ‘trying’ again). Christmas movies/specials (even I can OD on those) and politics dominate the tube (don’t even get me started); most shows are taking a holiday break – Z Nation, Westworld, The Walking Dead…
…so I’m reading.
It’s a busy time of year and if you’re still looking for Christmas gifts I can help https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/12/18/these-arent-the-gifts-youre-looking-for/
With an emphasis on the gift of reading. New, almost new, new to you, gently used, regifted – books bought from wherever, or a gift certificate or e-certificate for books or ebooks. While it might be difficult to resist the bestseller list, why not try some indie authors, they’re the cat’s pajamas, remember, best-selling doesn’t mean it’s the best book. Shop local and/or shop within your blogging community. Buy from the author or go on Amazon (dot whatever your country) and look up some of these authors – ebooks download in a flash.
Many indie authors are also bloggers, like Teagan Riordain Geneviene, https://teagansbooks.com a skillful storyteller who’ll keep you chained to your book/ereader/smartphone/tablet/laptop for hours with her brilliant books, Atonement, Tennessee (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/10/03/sweet-dreams-are-made-of-this/ – my copy is so well-read it looks ancient) and The Three Things Serial Story: A Little 1920s Story which began as an interactive serial, readers/bloggers gave suggestions, three things each which were woven into the story. I just finished re-reading it and it’s the cat’s meow, as swanky and entertaining as I remember.
Make sure you drop by Teagan’s blog, I’ve heard rumours of a 1920s blog party https://teagansbooks.com/2016/12/16/1920s-party-three-things-serial-story/ – Silks and Bathtub gin will be flowing…
In keeping with the Roaring 20s, I saw Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, from the J.K. Rowling book. I shared part of my about-to-expire-gift-certificate-for-two, since I went alone,with an older couple – see how easy it is to spread more Christmas cheer? I loved the Hidden Figures, Wonder Woman, and King Arthur previews and the movie itself brought back the wonder, the magic of early Harry Potter books/movies.
There are bloggers who never fail put a smile on the face of those who visit his blogs, like David, an author and a Lord:
And so many more:
And bloggers helping authors and bloggers, like the delight ladies of #BloggersPitStop:
Everyone over at #FridayFrivolity blog party:
#FridayFrolics linky party: http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/friday-frolics/
Throwback fun at #TrafficJamWeekend linky party:
Opinionated Man https://aopinionatedman.com/
Chris the Story Reading Ape https://thestoryreadingapeblog.com/
And so many more! If I missed anyone, leave your links below at my birthday party or over at my ongoing blog party https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/08/dear-santa-i-can-explain/ Go indie, they’re the cat’s meow!
I love books from Random House, Simon and Schuster, etc., but I also love smaller publishing houses – Open Court, Jessica Kinsley Publishing, Page Street Publishing, BenBella Books, Agate, Sasquatch and the list goes on; bigger doesn’t always mean better. If you’re not only a gifter, or a reader, but a writer and want to be an author, go out there and get published, one way or another https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/21/how-to-get-your-book-published/
I’ve given up resisting the lure of Christmas baking,
and once again I will be checking into Clementine rehab in January,
but I’m strangely trying to resist some forms of giving, ie when people tell you to give a 100%, that’s ridiculous, what if I gave 100% of my blood, or lent someone a 100% of my money, or gave them 100% of my time? The holidays are a time of giving, but one of the best gifts, remembering not everyone has someone https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/11/22/how-to-get-away-with-christmas/ Please give your time, ideas, blood, items, whatever, not just in the holiday season, but all year round.
Speaking of giving, don’t forget to drop by (or drop by again and again, give the gift of up to 12 links, they don’t need to be Christmas related) my ongoing blog party, my Christmas card to my blogging family/friends https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/08/dear-santa-i-can-explain/
Christmas is almost here and my birthday,
then 2016 ends. Who know what 2017 will bring? Be open to all the possibilities, don’t pine for what might have been, it might never have been what you really wanted, or needed. All the best to you and yours in this the holiday season and all the year through and to a Happy New Year!
It’s never easy to say goodbye. Ok, that’s not true, sometimes it’s super easy to say goodbye, in fact, you wished could’ve said goodbye much, much earlier. You’re with someone, they’re annoying you, but it’s impolite to leave, or you feel you should or have to stay. Or when you’re at a party, function, event, etc. and some guests are driving you up a wall. There are times when you’re screaming goodbye in your head, measuring how many steps it would take to get to the door, or wondering if anyone will notice if you were to dive out of the window, full-on Die Hard – hmm, was that what Shakespeare was picturing when he said, ‘Parting is such sweet sorrow, wait to jump out that window till the morrow’? Something like that.
We love to tell stories, we’re natural born storytellers. Over 7 billion of us on the planet, telling our stories. So many stories. While we’re telling those stories, or hearing those stories, we’re not going to agree on everything all the time or be pleased all the time, but could we put all the hate, bullying, vitriol, name-calling, hyperbole, lies, persecution, injustice on the shelf? Maybe we could strive to disagree respectfully. There are many ways to tell stories, from many perspectives.
A long-awaited specialist appointment (now waiting for more, er, stuff and trying new, er, stuff) opened and reopened my eyes. No worries, it’s not fatal, to the best of my knowledge, it just feels like it’s killing me…
1) I need to take a break and focus on my health.
2) I need to write, not just blog posts, but my book, and maybe try to make more money to pay for my dirty habit…to clarify, it’s my chocolate habit, but it can be dirty; dark chocolate especially leaves terrible stains and smears everywhere.
3) It’s with a heavy heart that I write This Is Where I Leave You…actually, I didn’t write that, Jonathan Tropper did and it was delightfully flawed, if a little clever-clever, but I appreciate the exertion. Plots and characters somewhat transparent yet quite engaging. His authentically muddled and intriguingly idiosyncratic style keeps me reading. Hollywood made a valiant attempt to adequately adapt it to the screen with: Tina Fey (SNL, Mean Girls, 30 Rock, Spongebob Squarepants, Simpsons, Sisters, Muppets, etc.), Jason Bateman (Arrested Development, Zootopia, Juno, Paul, Little House on the Prairie, Knight Rider, etc.),
Adam Driver (Star Wars: The Force Awakens, Girls, J. Edgar, Lincoln, The Unusuals, etc. ), Timothy Olyphant (Deadwood, Justified, Catch and Release, Live Free or Die Hard, The Mindy Project, The Office, Hitman, Call of Duty), Dax Shepard (Robot Chicken, Idiocracy, Parenthood, and endless odd Samsung commercials with wife, Kristen Bell who will always be Veronica Mars to me, also great in Deadwood), Jane Fonda (The Newsroom, Barbarella, On Golden Pond, Sunday in New York, Cat Ballou, Barefoot in the Park, The Butler, Georgia Rule, They Shoot Horses Don’t They, Klute, Coming Home, The China Syndrome, The Morning After, and you may know her from her activism and/or groovy exercise videos).
4) I might need to cut back on TV, way too many shows are just ads in disguise. ie. Ride with Norman Reedus should actually be titled: American Tourism, Ducati, BMW, Harley-Davidson, Honda, Indian, Kawasaki, KTM, Suzuki, Triumph, and Yamaha Pay For Ride with Norman Reedus. And it’s weird how he wanders around never opening his wallet, it’s like he’s still on The Walking Dead, I guess there’s no need for money during the zombie apocalypse – the Daryl Dixon Discount.
Gorgeous bikes, scenery, people (well, mostly), but obviously one long commercial. Don’t know if I’m now more or less inclined to be sad if Negan chooses Daryl. Just sayin’.
I’ll forgive AMC, after all, they also gave us: Breaking Bad, The Walking Dead, Talking Dead, Hell On Wheels, Mad Men, Fear The Walking Dead, Turn: Washington’s Spies, The American West, Into The Badlands, and now, Preacher, a gruesomely heartening supernatural tale of good vs evil, or more like good vs itself.
5) I need to find new ways to de-stress. Stress is everywhere these days. Even dogs and cats are under pressure to perform, and not just in endless and often demeaning internet videos, gifs, memes, etc. (see above, but how cute is that?); just look at their food – it has to be high in fiber, promote lean muscle, keep them at a healthy weight, all so they can be adorably frisky and playful, for our amusement. Amusement seems more important now than ever. We need to be constantly amused, entertained, busy. Is it a latent, twisted version of hunting and gathering, we now hunt and gather entertainment?
We even amuse ourselves with foodporn, I mean, food now…
6) I’m crushing on teacup pigs, some call them pocket pigs, or micro pigs, but I worry about their popularity, they could get bought up by someone like Bill Gates and we’ll have to buy endless crappy versions of them – Microsoft pigs.
7) I need to catch up on my reading. Numerous library books await my attention, with due dates, apparently some others have the nerve to want to use
my the public library.
Life is all about the journey, not the destination, and sometimes that journey takes you not where you meant to go but where you’re meant to be. Reading takes you anywhere you want to go and while some books may not change the world, they could change your world.
My books to review basket is also overflowing. I almost missed out on a great murder mystery, These Shallow Graves by Jennifer Donnelly in the bookflood https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1415718938 And I’ve enjoyed indie works – hidden treasures, like the ones previously mentioned here https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/01/29/always-on-my-mind-blog-party/ and so many more. Luckily I can’t physically see the Netgalley books unless I log on, so I’m pretending I forgot my password (psssh, I know you remember your password). Books have many purposes: entertainment, distraction, learning, companionship, dreaming, but really, like pop culture they’re a way of examining life, a form of philosophy. Long time readers of this blog know I have an ongoing love affair with books, including Open Court’s …and Philosophy series, but there are so many of them, how can I read and review them all? I can’t, but I sure can try. If not on here, then on Goodreads. ie. https://www.goodreads.com/review/show/1677400824
8) I wish The Newsroom (stunning cast of: Jeff Daniels, Sam Waterston, Emily Mortimer, Jane Fonda, Alison Pill, John Gallagher, Jr., Thomas Sadoski, Dev Patel, Olivia Munn, Marcia Gay Harden, Chris Messina, Kat Dennings, David Harbour, Hope Davis, Kelen Coleman, Grace Gummer, Constance Zimmer, B. J. Novak, etc.) was still on and that more people watched it.
Aaron Sorkin is a master at presenting all sides of, well, everything, logically, rationally, especially politics. We need more of that. Smart, well-balanced writing. To me, Sorkin is the ultimate optimist, an anti-cynic, after all, who else would keep monologuing, writing epic, inspiring speeches and broadcasting them in the hopes he’s actually reaching people, not just cleverly preaching to the converted.
9) So…Politics…That happened. I feel all Alice Through The Looking Glass, what if it’s all a dream? Maybe I went through a mirror, fell down a rabbit hole, opened a door, magically traveled through a wall to Platform 9 3/4, opened a portal, a Stargate, a paratime machine, a window, a crack? I keep hoping I’m in some alternate reality, some parallel Universe and I’ll wake up. Are we BrainDead (funny show, but making me a tad paranoid of the ants that keep invading my place)? Have aliens taken over politicians? Naah, too obvious. As Alexander Hamilton said: “If you don’t stand for something, you will fall for anything.”? Hmmm, how about stand for something with even a hint of logic, intelligence, integrity, or sanity?
Donald Trump, #Brexit, bogus indignation, lies, corruption, murder, abuse, war, poverty, disease, starvation, terrorism (of course, we’ve always got a new foe, it’s important to keep us scared, worried, after all, we buy more that way). Imagine what we could accomplish if we focused on what mattered and would help all people, not just a select few.
It’s too easy to long for a simpler times. Watching Brooklyn (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/01/08/stand-by-me/) it seems like life was simpler, less complex, less contentious, and it’s true in many ways. But we can’t live in the past. Can’t go back. Can’t unring bells that have been rung. With technology ruling our lives, we have to find ways to somehow enjoy the benefits of here and now without being consumed and overwhelmed by the here and now.
As for Brooklyn the film? It’s a nicely unpretentious offering about the choices we make and those that are made for us. Saoirse Ronan (Atonement, Hanna, City of Ember, The Host, The Lovely Bones, The Grand Budapest Hotel https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/09/20/if-i-had-a-million-dollars/) is, as always, astonishing, With the depth of her performance you’d think she was 102 instead of 22; she expresses so much, so perfectly, sort of an anti-Kristen Stewart. Rounded out by the talented: Jim Broadbent (Harry Potter, Paddington, Bridget Jones’s Diary https://yadadarcyyada.com/2013/12/19/bridget-joness-diary/ https://yadadarcyyada.com/2013/11/08/bridget-jones-mad-about-the-boy-sorry-with-spoilers/ and a million others), Julie Walters (Calendar Girls, Harry Potter, Mama Mia!, Brave, and at least a million others), Emily Bett Rickards (Felicity Smoake in Arrow), Domhnall Gleeson (Star Wars: The Force Awakens https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/11/05/go-home-star-wars-youre-drunk/ Harry Potter, The Revenant, About Time https://yadadarcyyada.com/2014/08/16/its-about-time/), etc.
10) I’ve thought a lot about why the world more closely resembles the last days of Roman Empire and that line Gena Rowlands uses to chide/teach her moviedaughter, Sandra Bullock in the romcom Hope Floats, “It’s the worst kind of extravagance the way you spend your chances”. What if this applies to the whole world now? We need to stop spending our chances.
We need to stop settling. Stop lowering our expectations. Go out there, spend your chances wisely. We may live in a world supercharged by social media, where we dramatize each problem, instead of looking for solutions. Where gossip, blame, fighting, arguing, cool cynicism, magical thinking, phony outrage, lowest common denominator pandering, digital degrees of The Butter Battle Book, The Lorax, and The Cat in the Hat combined (Dr. Seuss would be so proud) rule the day. Where intelligence is mocked, sensationalism screams loudest, bits and soundbites of information, right or wrong, reign supreme. In fact, it would be really funny, if it wasn’t such a sad mess…
It doesn’t mean we have to buy into it. We can be more. Rise above. Care. Have character, loyalty, integrity, even if it’s not cool to do so. Choose courage. Choose love. Choose hope. Caveat emptor, lest we drown in the muck. You’ll find true power in being kind.
I write this with tears in my eyes and the words to Green Day’s Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) playing over and over in my head: “It’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right. I hope you had the time of your life.” I do, I hope you had the time of your life, I certainly did.
I can’t thank those of you who have supported me enough! Thanks for following, sharing, reblogging, commenting, visiting. I’m not ruling out coming back at some point, I’m just not well enough to continue now.
I’ll still visit my blogging family and friends regularly. Still take part in some parties, social media stuff, etc. Blogging is addictive. When you first do it, you feel like you’re standing naked (sorry for the visual), exposed, and then you start to love it. You have to silence your inner critic (she’s just jealous).