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How To Get Your Book Published

1funny608As a writer I’ve read literally (that might not be the correct use of that word) thousands of articles on ‘how to get your book published’.

Then I noticed something strange about all of those articles, something they all had in common – they’d all been written by published authors.

What? This is a complete travesty! There are so many more of us, unpublished writers, looking for work and those authors are hogging the spotlight. They get books published, then they get articles published about how to get published. What a scam!

I’ve read enough self-help books to know what had to be done, those books (ironically, also written by published authors) clearly tell us that if you want something bad enough, you just have to imagine it, wish for it, and you’ll get it. Or was that a book about fairy tales?

Anyway…here’s my version of imagining it, wishing for it, my 12 easy steps to get your book published, I mean, how hard could it be, there are whole buildings full of books.

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How To Get Your Book Published:

1. Write a book.

2. Books or manuscripts (as they say in the biz) are generally typed on typing thingies. Some famous writers in history seemed to prefer typewriters, who knows, maybe they didn’t know about computers back then, I don’t have all the answers. I suggest going for a more personalized approach – handwriting your book. Publishers will appreciate your dedication and they’ll understand you really want this book deal.

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3. Go on a book tour. Don’t wait for your book to be published, the public is hungry for your words, bring them to the masses. Go to a book store and start telling customers all about your book. Sign books they’re holding or books on the store shelves – someday when you’re famous they’ll thank you for it.

4. Get an agent. As exciting as it might be, not a secret or special agent.

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5. You need a literary-sounding name. If your name isn’t already literary-sounding, change it to something like: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Dr. Seuss, Jane Austen, Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer, George R.R. Martin, Shakespeare, E.L. James, Suzanne Collins, Agatha Christie – something really authory.

6. Writing for children is different from writing for adults. For example, don’t use the name Stephen King or anything he writes about…ever.

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7. Have family and friends write glowing book blurbs and reviews. If possible, have them use a well-known authory name, see #5 for examples.

8. People love pictures. You should totally get some of those.

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9. Have characters in your book. Characters is just a fancy literary term for people you write about, either made-up people or those you know (I doubt anyone will sue you).

10. People like when characters do stuff in books. Have your characters stay busy. I don’t want to tell you what to write, but supernatural, scary, science, and sex (or a combination thereof) fly off the shelves. Have fictitious people who don’t even slightly resemble your siblings, parents, children, boss, ex, celebrities, anyone, living or dead or undead, doing fictitious (nudge nudge, wink wink) stuff.

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11. Have your publisher help you promote your book. Sorry, did I skip that part? Get a publisher, preferably one who showers you with money, then get them to help promote your book (see #1).

12. Be prepared. Get ready, not only for fame and fortune, but to discuss and possibly explain your book, at length, on or in: TV, radio, podcasts, blogs, forums, bathroom stalls, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Skype, planes, trains, automobiles, restaurants, conventions, parties, family gatherings, fan sites, stalker fan sites, book signings (see #3 and don’t forget to bring a pen) – yes, everywhere and mostly to people who haven’t actually read your book.

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Now you’ve done all the hard work. Take some ‘me time’, relax in a bubble bath, have some tea or wine.

Let those royalties roll in and remember, show some love to those who helped you out. You’re welcome.

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Author:

Very me

213 thoughts on “How To Get Your Book Published

  1. #1 is very important. Since I’ve written a couple I’ve had a lot of people say to me, “I’ve got an idea for a book,” or ‘I’m writing a book.” So far none of those people have published any books. (BTW, I got my awesome guest to interview for The Phil Factor, so you see that on Friday)

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Bwahahaaa I love to schedule my posts too…then I get on with looking busy and saying how buy I am Tehehereee…! Now #1 is everything the rest is Window dressing and I am writing a book..yes.Since I am a PUBLISHED Author..why not?
        Dont I Publish a well read blog every week…so I insist on being called a Published Author from now on..You crack me up Donna! Gal, I am so gonna miss you. I should have showed myself more on your blogs…lol! Thanks for sharing at the Pit Stop!

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      2. Yes, we do publish, Julie, so you’re right. 🙂
        I should be writing right now, but my main character is not cooperating. lol 😉
        I’ll still be around and I have extensive archives and of course, I want to keep up with my blogging family and friends! 🙂
        See you on your blog and at the Blogger’s Pit Stop, of course. 🙂
        All the best. 🙂

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      1. One of my followers sent me a prescription for a vacation to Hershey, where she said I would be guaranteed NEVER to run out of chocolate! I say “sent”……she commented it to me. Still waiting for the piece of magic paper to arrive. X

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      2. Yes, they had one near Kingston, ON and we went more times than I can count.
        As you walk in the door you get hugged by the smell of chocolate (I think they pump it through the vents, but I’m not complaining), then you walk into a gift store where they sell more chocolate than even I could eat (and that’s saying something) – we returned to this on the way out!
        Then the tour where they show you chocolate being made, vats of chocolate and when you leave you smell like chocolate!
        No Willy Wonka or Oompa-Loopmas, but all the chocolate makes up for it. Yes, samples, an imperfects (they seemed perfect to me) at reduced prices…
        Sadly, Hershey threw all the people out of work and moved the factory so no more visits. 😦 Here’s a post about it actually https://yadadarcyyada.com/2014/07/20/charlie-and-the-chocolate-factory-turns-50/
        Mmmmm, chocolate. 🙂

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      3. And wow, I truly don’t think I’d function at all without coffee. Have had to cut back, because my newly dx’d type 2 diabetes is caused by insulin resistance, and it turns out that caffeine – not only the sugar we put into hot drinks, the actual caffeine itself – raises blood sugar and therefore increases insulin resistance. Mad, eh?
        Why don’t you drink coffee? Do you not like it, or does it not like you? X

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      4. Never drank it, tried it once, didn’t like it. Drink tea, mostly green and lots of water, sometimes it’s a wonder I don’t float around. 😉
        Thankfully I have other addictions, like chocolate to perk me up. 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Lol! I like coffee-flavoured chocolate 🙂 Used to drink green tea, now makes me feel violently sick 😦 Do drink 2l plus water a day, though. Gotta keep those pipes clean!

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      6. Mine’s all bottled. Or at least triple filtered – I can cope with that, but know when the filter needs changing because I start getting headaches and flares of allergies. Tap water NOT good for us! Could be different in Canada, but in UK is really a bit shit. X

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      7. Our water is allegedly some of the best…oh knows, they only tell the truth if they’re caught lying and not even then sometimes. But I still love the taste of it. 🙂

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      8. I like the taste of “hard” water, ie when it’s passed through soft rock like limestone, which leaves it with calcium deposits in it, but have always hated “soft” water, which goes through hard rock like granite. Makes it taste soapy, and is very very difficult to wash with – never feels clean, always feels like you need another rinse. What sort of water is yours? (hard water is the stuff that leaves limescale on things like kettle elements and washing machine elements, etc)

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  2. Okay…I read this because I’m reading articles like this because I’m writing a proposal and freaking out.

    THANK YOU for being funny. That is just what I needed. I needed to remember to not take everything so seriously.

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  3. Thanks for the laugh this morning. 🙂

    It would’ve been great to have a publishing house take on the marketing for my book. To me, marketing is the hardest part. I’m fortunate to have friends and family with editorial and marketing skills as well as one who is familiar with CreateSpace. Their advice and assistance are the only reason my book was published (my quest aided by my constant companions OCD and persistent nagging) 🙂

    I enjoy your writing style and WANT you to succeed as an author. From the looks of it, there are a whole bunch of people who want to see you succeed, too.

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    1. Thank you kindly. Yes, marketing is rough, you are fortunate to have support and they’re fortunate to have you. 🙂
      Thaank you for your lovely words and I’m so thrilled to have been embraced by so many other bloggers and readers! 🙂
      Hope this day treats you well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’ve been signing every book I could just for practice. Library kicked me out saying I couldn’t do that. They’ll be sorry when I hit it big, they want me back and I say no.

    Great article. Thank you for the laughs

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  5. Donna… that was fabulous. I nearly snorted my coffee.
    When a coworker learned i had written a book (draft, and no, before “Atonement, Tennessee”), she immediately jumped to the question “Is it going to be a movie?” … Yes. Our government pays this intelligent person over six figures… But glutton that i am, i was still flattered. Mystified but flattered. Mega hugs my friend! Keep on writing! 🙂

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      1. Thanks for going on that little run through my blog last hour and liking so many old posts. Please feel free to do that anytime! 🙂

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      2. It’s unfollowing for some, not letting others comment, and the ‘Likes’ are not always staying ‘Liked’ on posts – not for everyone and not all the time, but it seems to be spreading…maybe a zombie virus? 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  6. Oh no! I don’t have a literary-sounding name! Most people can’t even pronounce my last name lol Great and funny post 🙂

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  7. Reality check. I read these stats several years ago but they are illustrative of the hoop to be jumped. Number of authors in the USA making their living solely by writing fiction – 300. Population of the USA – 300,000,000. Odds on being in that group of authors – one in a million. Great post, BTW.

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  8. This was a perfect five minutes of reading whilst taking a break from the work of writing. I kinda want to live your version of getting published instead of the other one that most of us keep hearing about. I like your version much MUCH more.

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  9. Ahhh, I’ll wait till after I’m dead for my children to go about publishing my plays… Sounds painfully complicated…

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  10. Great tips, Donna. When my CA and I had our book come out, the publisher sent us a big carton of ’em! All we had to do was give them our credit card numbers to pay for them first! How exciting, huh?

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  11. This is really helpful, Donna. Thanks for taking the effort of posting this article. Gonna work on these steps right away. And I’ll definitely remember you, if something pulls through.

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  12. Thanks very much for this how-to guide. Very informative. I was rather surprised at your inclusion of Point 1. “Write a book”.
    Is this really necessary? That’s a lot of work…
    Also good that you provided me some inspiration for a pen name at Point 5.
    I’m thinking of going with Dr. Stephen Shakespeare R.R. King Brown. I’ll just sign off everything with that, and eventually I should have publishers begging me to write words for them.
    I’ll remember you when the advance cheque comes in.
    Cheers!

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    1. I know, that first step is so daunting, but sadly apparently quite necessary. 😉
      I love your pen name, you’ll have publishers banging down your door in no time and maybe even a few lawyers. 😉
      Thanks for keeping me in your thoughts and so glad I could help. 🙂
      Cheers!

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I know, it’s such helpful advice, I’m surprised more people aren’t getting instantly published with it. lol 😉 We’ve got to have some fun in life, right, Kathleen, but I’ll look forward to the mention. 😉
      Hope this week treats you kindly. 🙂

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    1. lol You do enough for us bloggers without cluttering your books with us, Kathleen, but wow, featured on Blogger’s Pit Stop is wonderful, now I can’t wait until Friday, and oh oh, it’s only Wednesday! Will be thrilled to stop by, always am, and check out the awesome bloggers visiting. Thank you kindly, it’s always a lovely party and a blogging goldmine filled with treasure. 🙂

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    1. Another amazing Blogger’s it Stop!!! Thanks to all the lovely hostesses!!! And thank you for featuring my blog post, ‘How to Get Your Book Published’, it was fun to write and hopefully people have fun reading it. 🙂
      So far I’ve shared and left comments on numbers #1 #2 #3 #4 #6 #12 #21 #31 #32 #41 #46 #69 #72 – I’ll be back later to check out some more!!! 🙂
      Hope this weekend treats everyone kindly! Thanks again!!! 🙂

      Like

    1. Another amazing Blogger’s it Stop!!! Thanks to all the lovely hostesses!!! And thank you for featuring my blog post, ‘How to Get Your Book Published’, it was fun to write and hopefully people have fun reading it. 🙂
      So far I’ve shared and left comments on numbers #1 #2 #3 #4 #6 #12 #21 #31 #32 #41 #46 #69 #72 – I’ll be back later to check out some more!!! 🙂
      Hope this weekend treats everyone kindly! Thanks again!!! 🙂

      Like

    1. Another amazing Blogger’s it Stop!!! Thanks to all the lovely hostesses!!! And thank you for featuring my blog post, ‘How to Get Your Book Published’, it was fun to write and hopefully people have fun reading it. 🙂
      So far I’ve shared and left comments on numbers #1 #2 #3 #4 #6 #12 #21 #31 #32 #41 #46 #69 #72 – I’ll be back later to check out some more!!! 🙂
      Hope this weekend treats everyone kindly! Thanks again!!! 🙂

      Like

    1. Thank you so much for featuring my post, https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/21/how-to-get-your-book-published/ on #BloggersPitStop.
      You lovely ladies do so much for bloggers, I love to visit, find new blogging friends. This weekend I was out of town visiting family so I was mostly offline but next week I will be back at #BloggersPitStop, adding links, as well as visiting, commenting, and sharing the links of others!
      Thank you so much again and again and again, Juli, there aren’t enough thanks yous, hope this week is treating you well. 🙂

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    1. Oh no, that’s a weird moment of got milk. 😉
      Awww, thanks so much Lisa, I’m so honoured and excited. Love #FridayFrivolity – it’s not only fun, but I find great bloggers there, including the hosts, of course!
      Hope the week is treating you well so far. 🙂

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  13. This made me snort with laughter, especially when I came to the pic from Beauty and the Beast. You’re a wonderful writer. So happy to have discovered your blog from Bernadine’s link party. Looking forward to reading more in the new year!

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    1. Thank you kindly. Glad we found each other in this giant virtual haystack. Best part, I found your blog and it was just what I needed right now. Thanks. Hope we can virtually visit often. 🙂
      Hope this week treats you well. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m so happy that you enjoyed my blog, and happier still to have made a new blogging friend. Take care!

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  14. Great tips as I’ve always wanted to write a book – but if I wrote it by hand the publisher wouldn’t be able to read it! Many years of using a keyboard has rendered my handwriting illegible. LOL:)

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    1. Then as the memes say, you should be writing. I wish I could blame the keyboard for the illegibility of my handwriting. lol 😉
      Thanks for dropping by, hope this week is treating you kindly. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for this awesome feature, you know, just when I think #TrafficJamWeekend can’t get any better, it does. I’m hoping I have a lot more time to spend there this weekend, fingers crossed (and toes). Best wishes for the week. 🙂

      Like

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