Posted in Blogs, Books, Chocolate, Family, Movies, Televison, Uncategorized

How To Get Your Book Published

1funny608As a writer I’ve read literally (that might not be the correct use of that word) thousands of articles on ‘how to get your book published’.

Then I noticed something strange about all of those articles, something they all had in common – they’d all been written by published authors.

What? This is a complete travesty! There are so many more of us, unpublished writers, looking for work and those authors are hogging the spotlight. They get books published, then they get articles published about how to get published. What a scam!

I’ve read enough self-help books to know what had to be done, those books (ironically, also written by published authors) clearly tell us that if you want something bad enough, you just have to imagine it, wish for it, and you’ll get it. Or was that a book about fairy tales?

Anyway…here’s my version of imagining it, wishing for it, my 12 easy steps to get your book published, I mean, how hard could it be, there are whole buildings full of books.

1funny621

How To Get Your Book Published:

1. Write a book.

2. Books or manuscripts (as they say in the biz) are generally typed on typing thingies. Some famous writers in history seemed to prefer typewriters, who knows, maybe they didn’t know about computers back then, I don’t have all the answers. I suggest going for a more personalized approach – handwriting your book. Publishers will appreciate your dedication and they’ll understand you really want this book deal.

1funny619

3. Go on a book tour. Don’t wait for your book to be published, the public is hungry for your words, bring them to the masses. Go to a book store and start telling customers all about your book. Sign books they’re holding or books on the store shelves – someday when you’re famous they’ll thank you for it.

4. Get an agent. As exciting as it might be, not a secret or special agent.

1funny614

5. You need a literary-sounding name. If your name isn’t already literary-sounding, change it to something like: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Dr. Seuss, Jane Austen, Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer, George R.R. Martin, Shakespeare, E.L. James, Suzanne Collins, Agatha Christie – something really authory.

6. Writing for children is different from writing for adults. For example, don’t use the name Stephen King or anything he writes about…ever.

1funny600

7. Have family and friends write glowing book blurbs and reviews. If possible, have them use a well-known authory name, see #5 for examples.

8. People love pictures. You should totally get some of those.

1funny596

9. Have characters in your book. Characters is just a fancy literary term for people you write about, either made-up people or those you know (I doubt anyone will sue you).

10. People like when characters do stuff in books. Have your characters stay busy. I don’t want to tell you what to write, but supernatural, scary, science, and sex (or a combination thereof) fly off the shelves. Have fictitious people who don’t even slightly resemble your siblings, parents, children, boss, ex, celebrities, anyone, living or dead or undead, doing fictitious (nudge nudge, wink wink) stuff.

1funny451

11. Have your publisher help you promote your book. Sorry, did I skip that part? Get a publisher, preferably one who showers you with money, then get them to help promote your book (see #1).

12. Be prepared. Get ready, not only for fame and fortune, but to discuss and possibly explain your book, at length, on or in: TV, radio, podcasts, blogs, forums, bathroom stalls, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Skype, planes, trains, automobiles, restaurants, conventions, parties, family gatherings, fan sites, stalker fan sites, book signings (see #3 and don’t forget to bring a pen) – yes, everywhere and mostly to people who haven’t actually read your book.

1funny610

Now you’ve done all the hard work. Take some ‘me time’, relax in a bubble bath, have some tea or wine.

Let those royalties roll in and remember, show some love to those who helped you out. You’re welcome.

1funny604

Advertisements
Posted in Awards, Blogs, Canada, Cats, Chocolate, Uncategorized

Walking On Sunshine Blog Hop – Will there be sunny bunnies?

 1blog7Having a Walking On Sunshine post is ironic for me, I’m sensitive to light, especially sunshine and even more so today because I have a migraine (been building for days), so forgive any mistakes…all over the place.

When I saw Hugh’s blog hop party I just couldn’t narrow it down to one blogger. http://hughsviewsandnews.com/2015/03/20/i-am-pleased-to-announce-that-the-walking-on-sunshine-blog-party-has-now-officially-began/
I put my own information on so people might hop over here https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/03/17/march-madness-spring-fling-blog-party/ while, like me, they were deciding.

There are too many bloggers who spread sunshine (the good kind that doesn’t make me feel like I’m blind or with an axe slamming through my head), instead, the ones that make me smile, laugh, snort, giggle, feel happy, think, cry, and inspire me to write, etc.

1blog11

One of the bloggers who makes me laugh everyday, one of my first Readers, who presses like and Retweets, but couldn’t make it to the party, the awesome Austin https://moviewriternyu.wordpress.com

My Awesome March Madness Spring Fling Blog Party guests include (in no order, just where I cut/pasted):

If I have left anyone out, I’m sorry, I’m going to blame the headache. If I did your blog twice, thank the headache.

Thank you kindly for coming to the party!
It’s ongoing to if you want to come and promote your blog, find other bloggers, please do, I’d always love to see you.1blog10

Now, enough of that, I’m starting to feel like Julie from The Love Boat (the rest of the party is on the Promenade Deck) and the only thing on my mind is a new romance with some chocolate which would probably make my migraine worse and the only course for adventure I want to set is for my bed (Baby, I love you!).

Thank you all!