Posted in Books, motivational, satire

How To Be A Bestselling Author in 3 Days or Less

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

There’s a lot of noise out there about how to write a bestseller.

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Why don’t we break it down.

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Let’s simplify the process and get you to bestseller status in 3 days or less!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

1. Write a book.

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Use as many words as you think you need.

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Plots are plots (it’s all been done/redone/overdone; characters are key).

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Use a computer…

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typewriter…

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pencil or pen…

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None of it means anything if you don’t use your heart.

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2. Edit.

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Do not try this at home.

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Being your own editor is like trying to cure your own cancer.

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Don’t mistake skill or intent for reality.

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A friend, family member, professional editor, a dog or cat (if the communication is clear) – anyone (and I mean anyone) but you.

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3. Get published.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/
Big fancy publisher, self-publishing, blog it in serialized form, print them out and hand them to the masses on a street corner, just get it out there. https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/21/how-to-get-your-book-published/

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4. Do a book tour.

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Sign books, shake hands, meet your fans, hope they don’t want to steal your kidney as a prize.

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5. Become rich and famous.

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Yes, become so rich and famous you’ll forget all the hard work…

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all the anxiety, rejection, doubt, derision.

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Don’t forget not to be a scummy rich and famous person.

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6. If 1-5 don’t happen, no worries.

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No one wants to publish my should-be bestsellers (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/03/25/welcome-to-your-life/),

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but don’t stop me now (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/02/06/dont-stop-me-now/)!

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I’m going to keep on writing, reading, researching, submitting, getting rejected, being ignored, and only slightly feeling the stings of all the subtle and not-so-subtle scoffing and mocking.

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Repeat again and again.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/Why? I have to get it all out of my head.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/As for would-be authors of a ‘certain age’, don’t despair, many famous authors didn’t kick-start their written legacy until later in life, not always for lack of trying:

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/J.R.R. Tolkien, Mark Twain, Toni Morrison, Anna Sewell, Bram Stoker,

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Alex Haley, Charles Bukowski, Laura Ingalls Wilder, William S. Burroughs, 

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Raymond Chandler, Frank McCourt, Marquis de Sade (don’t be that guy).

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Even J.K. Rowling and Dr. Seuss

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weren’t spring chickens…oh the places you’ll go (er, Hogwarts?).

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My point? 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 30…Write, draw, sing, dance, sculpt, design video games, whatever, creativity doesn’t come with an expiry date, a time stamp – as long as you live you can create.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Posted in Blogs, Books, Chocolate, Family, Movies, Televison, Uncategorized

How To Get Your Book Published

1funny608As a writer I’ve read literally (that might not be the correct use of that word) thousands of articles on ‘how to get your book published’.

Then I noticed something strange about all of those articles, something they all had in common – they’d all been written by published authors.

What? This is a complete travesty! There are so many more of us, unpublished writers, looking for work and those authors are hogging the spotlight. They get books published, then they get articles published about how to get published. What a scam!

I’ve read enough self-help books to know what had to be done, those books (ironically, also written by published authors) clearly tell us that if you want something bad enough, you just have to imagine it, wish for it, and you’ll get it. Or was that a book about fairy tales?

Anyway…here’s my version of imagining it, wishing for it, my 12 easy steps to get your book published, I mean, how hard could it be, there are whole buildings full of books.

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How To Get Your Book Published:

1. Write a book.

2. Books or manuscripts (as they say in the biz) are generally typed on typing thingies. Some famous writers in history seemed to prefer typewriters, who knows, maybe they didn’t know about computers back then, I don’t have all the answers. I suggest going for a more personalized approach – handwriting your book. Publishers will appreciate your dedication and they’ll understand you really want this book deal.

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3. Go on a book tour. Don’t wait for your book to be published, the public is hungry for your words, bring them to the masses. Go to a book store and start telling customers all about your book. Sign books they’re holding or books on the store shelves – someday when you’re famous they’ll thank you for it.

4. Get an agent. As exciting as it might be, not a secret or special agent.

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5. You need a literary-sounding name. If your name isn’t already literary-sounding, change it to something like: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Dr. Seuss, Jane Austen, Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer, George R.R. Martin, Shakespeare, E.L. James, Suzanne Collins, Agatha Christie – something really authory.

6. Writing for children is different from writing for adults. For example, don’t use the name Stephen King or anything he writes about…ever.

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7. Have family and friends write glowing book blurbs and reviews. If possible, have them use a well-known authory name, see #5 for examples.

8. People love pictures. You should totally get some of those.

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9. Have characters in your book. Characters is just a fancy literary term for people you write about, either made-up people or those you know (I doubt anyone will sue you).

10. People like when characters do stuff in books. Have your characters stay busy. I don’t want to tell you what to write, but supernatural, scary, science, and sex (or a combination thereof) fly off the shelves. Have fictitious people who don’t even slightly resemble your siblings, parents, children, boss, ex, celebrities, anyone, living or dead or undead, doing fictitious (nudge nudge, wink wink) stuff.

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11. Have your publisher help you promote your book. Sorry, did I skip that part? Get a publisher, preferably one who showers you with money, then get them to help promote your book (see #1).

12. Be prepared. Get ready, not only for fame and fortune, but to discuss and possibly explain your book, at length, on or in: TV, radio, podcasts, blogs, forums, bathroom stalls, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Skype, planes, trains, automobiles, restaurants, conventions, parties, family gatherings, fan sites, stalker fan sites, book signings (see #3 and don’t forget to bring a pen) – yes, everywhere and mostly to people who haven’t actually read your book.

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Now you’ve done all the hard work. Take some ‘me time’, relax in a bubble bath, have some tea or wine.

Let those royalties roll in and remember, show some love to those who helped you out. You’re welcome.

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