As a writer I’ve read literally (that might not be the correct use of that word) thousands of articles on ‘how to get your book published’.
Then I noticed something strange about all of those articles, something they all had in common – they’d all been written by published authors.
What? This is a complete travesty! There are so many more of us, unpublished writers, looking for work and those authors are hogging the spotlight. They get books published, then they get articles published about how to get published. What a scam!
I’ve read enough self-help books to know what had to be done, those books (ironically, also written by published authors) clearly tell us that if you want something bad enough, you just have to imagine it, wish for it, and you’ll get it. Or was that a book about fairy tales?
Anyway…here’s my version of imagining it, wishing for it, my 12 easy steps to get your book published, I mean, how hard could it be, there are whole buildings full of books.
How To Get Your Book Published:
1. Write a book.
2. Books or manuscripts (as they say in the biz) are generally typed on typing thingies. Some famous writers in history seemed to prefer typewriters, who knows, maybe they didn’t know about computers back then, I don’t have all the answers. I suggest going for a more personalized approach – handwriting your book. Publishers will appreciate your dedication and they’ll understand you really want this book deal.
3. Go on a book tour. Don’t wait for your book to be published, the public is hungry for your words, bring them to the masses. Go to a book store and start telling customers all about your book. Sign books they’re holding or books on the store shelves – someday when you’re famous they’ll thank you for it.
4. Get an agent. As exciting as it might be, not a secret or special agent.
5. You need a literary-sounding name. If your name isn’t already literary-sounding, change it to something like: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Dr. Seuss, Jane Austen, Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer, George R.R. Martin, Shakespeare, E.L. James, Suzanne Collins, Agatha Christie – something really authory.
6. Writing for children is different from writing for adults. For example, don’t use the name Stephen King or anything he writes about…ever.
7. Have family and friends write glowing book blurbs and reviews. If possible, have them use a well-known authory name, see #5 for examples.
8. People love pictures. You should totally get some of those.
9. Have characters in your book. Characters is just a fancy literary term for people you write about, either made-up people or those you know (I doubt anyone will sue you).
10. People like when characters do stuff in books. Have your characters stay busy. I don’t want to tell you what to write, but supernatural, scary, science, and sex (or a combination thereof) fly off the shelves. Have fictitious people who don’t even slightly resemble your siblings, parents, children, boss, ex, celebrities, anyone, living or dead or undead, doing fictitious (nudge nudge, wink wink) stuff.
11. Have your publisher help you promote your book. Sorry, did I skip that part? Get a publisher, preferably one who showers you with money, then get them to help promote your book (see #1).
12. Be prepared. Get ready, not only for fame and fortune, but to discuss and possibly explain your book, at length, on or in: TV, radio, podcasts, blogs, forums, bathroom stalls, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Skype, planes, trains, automobiles, restaurants, conventions, parties, family gatherings, fan sites, stalker fan sites, book signings (see #3 and don’t forget to bring a pen) – yes, everywhere and mostly to people who haven’t actually read your book.
Now you’ve done all the hard work. Take some ‘me time’, relax in a bubble bath, have some tea or wine.
Let those royalties roll in and remember, show some love to those who helped you out. You’re welcome.
Shocking news! Reports are pouring in from around the world of senior citizens leaving their homes and care facilities to join terrorism groups.
Over 145,000 aging Baby Boomers, fed up with living in poverty and feeling like they’re a burden on their families have left for war-torn countries in the Middle East.
“I spoke to a nice young man at ISAS, he reminded me a lot of my grandson,” a senior, calling herself ‘Hilda’ told Senior Today News. “Next thing I know, I was up to my support hose in sand, cooking over an empty steel fuel can, darning socks, and knitting flags,” she said, smiling. “Mind you, the air raids interrupt my programs and the cries of ‘Death to America’ disturb my sleep, but at least here I feel needed.”
Authorities are bewildered and at a loss of what to do to stop the radicalization of seniors.
“We didn’t even think of seniors being radicalized,” a top aide to Obama told this reporter. “They weren’t even on our radar and now they’re using walkers as weapons in this bloody conflict.”
Young people, upon learning that over half of the new recruits were their grandparents and great-grandparents have decided it’s no longer cool to be radicalized.
“When I went online and saw that my Gram had joined the same terrorist caliphate as I was joining, well, it was Facebook all over again,” Caleb Smith explained as he unpacked his knapsack. “How can I commit acts of merciless violence with my Gram watching?”
The only upside? Decreased burden on pension plans, as well as reduced wait times for healthcare and spaces open up in care facilities.
Although experts see no end in sight to this bizarre recruitment of the elderly, sources tell us that the terrorists seem to be tiring of being asked the same questions over and over again…and watching Wheel of Fortune.
Happy April Fool’s Day!
I don’t own an iron…
Many of you reading this are WordPress Bloggers. You may have heard of being ‘Freshly Pressed’, where WordPress Editors pick out posts that are instantly given a lot of attention. It feels like their way of saying some bloggers are better than others, that they’re more worthy of sharing.
I even Googled, ‘How to get Freshly Pressed’.
Hmmm, note to self, next time you search, add, ‘on WordPress’, because, wow, that got weird, really fast.
Apparently none of my blog posts have: ‘enlightened’, ‘inspired’, ‘entertained’, or got the WordPress Editors ‘talking’.
Oh well, at least I’ve learned a lot about blogging, sorta…
I’m more concise (applause).
I know about: fonts, stats, sharing, widgets, I know what SEO stands for, Search Engine Oops, maybe I don’t.
I’m on Twitter, Facebook, Goodreads, LinkedIn, Google+, Pinterest – I’m everywhere and as it turns out, nowhere.
I’ve virtually met fantastic people…or who knows, maybe they’re all one giant app that pretends to be bloggers and readers.
I’ve made mistakes…many. I’ve had popular posts and some you could hear crickets chirping as the post sits there being ignored.
I’ve been encouraged, discouraged, disappointed, and delighted.
I’ve learned to not take it too seriously.
Yet for Freshly Pressed folks, apparently I don’t write ‘unique content’ that’s free of ‘bad stuff’ (where’s the fun in that?).
I don’t have a ‘point of view’ (that’s silly, everyone has a point of view, even if they borrowed it from someone else).
I don’t paint them ‘a picture’ or make it easy on their eyes (this seems like a blatant attempt to get me to buy a Premium package).
I don’t add ‘relevant tags’ (too many tags, not enough tags, make up your mind).
My headlines can be ‘ignored’ (I already put the word ‘Obscure’ in my tagline).
typoos, er, typos. Sorry I’m not prefect, WordPress.
I’ve tried, I really have, for over 500 posts, but sigh, I’m still in The-Land-of-Never-To-Be-Freshly-Pressed. It’s worse than being Friend-zoned.
- Well, I never really wanted to be Freshly Pressed anyway (so there).
You can keep your FP Clique.
You keep your special jackets that say FP on them and super-duper secret decoder rings.
Keep your secret Clubhouse where all the Freshly Pressed elite virtually hang out and talk about us losers that will never be Pressed.
Just realized, this little rant probably got me banned from being Freshly Pressed, for my blogging lifetime. So what? I was never going to be anyway (er, was I?).
So, why will I never be Freshly Pressed? Ummm, no clue….
They can never take our freedom!
They can, however, try to make us afraid enough to willingly give it up.
Media spews out tales of terror, images and words so appalling we feel like we live in a giant house of horrors.
Even freedom can be scary. Some people misuse it, especially against children and other vulnerable members of society; they should be cared for and protected at all costs.
Free speech shouldn’t be a free pass to gratuitously abuse and harass.
Hopefully ethics and boundaries will prevail, but even if it doesn’t, we have free will to: close the book, don’t look at the cartoon, don’t watch the TV show or movie, don’t listen to the song.
Or do a counterpoint.
Try to change the laws.
No idea or system or person is immune to, or above scrutiny or censure.
Freedom of speech isn’t just for what you agree with, but also that which you don’t agree with, or even loathe. If we remove it, we will be rendered helpless, any power drained.
Beliefs, thoughts, ideas, opinions, faith, and/or convictions that don’t hold up under scrutiny, or if challenged, or even maligned, that are so wobbly they can be threatened by a cartoon, a post, a movie, a TV show, a book, etc., well, you might need to reconsider how committed you are to those beliefs.
Satire is a long-standing tradition.
It’s one of the checks and balances of a social order.
Satire holds a mirror up to society, to make it look at the vices, foolishness, recklessness, abuses, and inadequacies of politicians, corporations, religions, individuals, celebrities, and society itself. It pokes and prods, provokes and pushes. It can amuse, offend, irritate, charm, intimidate, distract, inform, and more. Sometimes it can cause an international incident as we recently saw with the satirical movie, The Interview. Sometimes it can kill, as we saw yesterday with a vicious and craven attack on the French satirical publication, Charlie Hebdo that highlighted the difference between free speech and consequence-free speech. You may say anything you want, but that doesn’t mitigate the consequences.
Free speech has many prices.
There is no point in attacking anyone,
verbally or physically, for their beliefs.
There’s also no need to agree, you have the right to disagree, hopefully respectfully.
People can disagree, debate, wrangle, bicker, even argue, hopefully respectfully.
People sometimes write, draw, photograph, sing, direct, paint, produce, act, etc. to make people comfortable, sometimes to make them uncomfortable, either way, they should take responsibility for what they do…but never, ever with their lives.
Je Suis Charlie.
It’s as though acknowledging Wag The Dog means we have to admit we let our politicians, their cronies and yes men run our countries into the ground and maybe, just maybe we should do something instead of just complaining.
A dark comedy with a magnificent cast to match.
Amazing work by:
Dustin Hoffman, Robert De Niro, Anne Heche, Denis Leary, Willie Nelson, Andrea Martin, Kirsten Dunst, William H. Macy, John Michael Higgins, Suzie Plakson, Woody Harrelson, Michael Belson, Suzanne Cryer, Jason Cottle, David Koechner, Craig T. Nelson (uncredited).
Directed by Barry Levinson.
This is about how politicians and their spin doctors distract the electorate from scandals, poor performance, and sometimes general incompetence.
It’s rather macabre and quite disturbing and sadly, these sorts of things happen too often.
Fav scene is always Kirsten Dunst, an actress portraying an orphan, running holding a bag of Tostitos in front of a blue screen and when you see it later she’s running holding a kitten through the war-torn streets of Albania.
Do we even know what the truth is anymore or just what we’re fed?
I know the truth is out there, but where?
If you haven’t seen this movie you should never watch the news and even then…
OS is for anyone who has ever worked in an office or any job they hate. Viewers recognize the despair, the defeat, the boredom, and can almost smell the regret and unfulfilled dreams in the recycled office air.
Best irritating boss portrayal in the history of movies goes to Gary Cole as Bill Lumbergh.
Best creepy, obsessive (don’t touch his red Swingline stapler), mumbling worker goes to Stephen Root as Milton, actually, Office Space is based on Judge‘s Milton cartoon series.
Ron Livingston is perfection as Peter Gibbons, a discontented computer programmer. Also, Mike Judge as Stan, manager at Chotchkie’s restaurant giving Jennifer Aniston’s character a hard time, as well as David Herman, Ajay Naidu, Diedrich Bader, John C. McGinley.
There are so many fantastic lines and scenes, just see the movie, bask in its ingenious satire.
When the co-workers are having to look up money laundering in the dictionary, that’s when you fully realize how pathetic they truly are.
This movie wasn’t a hit, but it’s so hilarious and showed people Judge was more than just Beavis and Butt-head.