Posted in Books, ebooks

how i met your author

Let me tell you the story of how i met your author (maybe your most favourite ever author). Over 5 decades ago I learned to read. I realized then, I would never be alone again. With me always: friends, family, and unfailing boon companions.

I think in these “interesting” times we’re feeling a distinct lack of “freedom”. Some of that feeling is perspective, maybe a smidgen of self-pity. I’m not going to ramble on (shock!) about positivity, but from my observations, the people that have weathered this storm relatively well, at least stayed in the boat, have kept busy and kept away from negativity and whining. 

Some of the ways I’ve kept busy: started a “group”, “Chronic Not Hopeless” (CNH) , of people with common interests having get togethers – sharing, laughing, chatting, https://yadadarcyyada.com/2021/01/30/chronic-not-hopeless/ ; binge-watching/catching up (“Stumpton”, “Shadow and Bone”, “Perfect Harmony”, “The Irregulars”, “Nightflyers”, “Miss Scarlet and the Duke”, “Coroner”; “Guilt”; “State of Mind”, “Doc Martin”, and more); yoga/Tai Chi/Qigong, dancing; walking; reflecting; connecting; webinars; Zoom stuff; virtual appointments; organizing/decluttering (I’m moving and thought, this is a good chance to unclutter me too); playing board games/card games,/video games; writing though not yet published, despite having written a lot about publishing, i.e.

 – oh and blogging (very, very slow blogging, let’s call it,um, turtle blogging) – I’ve started a ton of blogs but each time, the words just disappear into the ether, struggling to empty my brain (here goes); and yes, of course, reading, so much reading. 

I think the best day for indie authors will be when they’re just called, “authors”, not indie, just what they are, authors. Many indie authors and authors of smaller publishing companies or self-publishing are just as good, if not better, than authors tethered to giant publishing houses.

“If you only read the books that everyone else is reading, you can only think what everyone else is thinking.” ~Haruki Murakami

In all transparency, I have connections, in one form or another, with most of the authors I’m going to tell you about. That’s not as unusual as it may seem. Some I know, or their family, or friends. Many are fellow bloggers. Also, these authors are accessible, they enjoy interacting with their readers all the time, not just during a book tour.

Looking for some summer reading? Any season is reading season…

Also, blogger/author, Teagan Riordan Geneviene       https://teagansbooks.com/ https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/10/03/sweet-dreams-are-made-of-this/   https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/07/15/see-you-again/ 

Inspiration jumped out at me from the pages of local London (Ontario Canada) Author/Artist/Model, Kathleen Elizabeth Sumpton   https://www.kathleensumpton.com/   Not only is her work authentic (I know, I used the “a” word, it’s over-used, yes, but some people are the genuine deal). Reading Sumpton’s 4 books a thought popped into my head that wouldn’t be ignored or banished, why did I stop writing poetry, it was my first love before prose, what stopped me? I don’t remember (or maybe I don’t want to remember), but this reading experience made me realize I’d been holding back, filtering. I know, a lot of you are thinking, you filter yourself? Yes, I do. I couldn’t tell you which book or poem I liked best, they all had their unique moments, they were all unrestrained, powerful, and a variety of emotions seeped through the pages. That’s what I love about reading, you never know how it’s going to make you feel, what you’ll learn, when you’ll be inspired, as with their books – books not only take you from this world, they also deliver you back, usually with gifts in tow.

Sally Cronin is not only a prolific and talented author and blogger https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/, she’s a tireless supporter and promoter of other authors and bloggers. What would we do without her, I don’t ever want to think about finding out.

Speaking of witches (were we?), do you yearn for safe passage to walk invisible, through Bronte country, then, now and in between? Then have I got an author for you. I must warn you, Karen Perkin’s books/ebooks/audio books, well, they’re simply addictive, aren’t they? So be warned, you need to have your tea steeped and ready (or other beverage of choice, what’s in your cup is your business), a comfy chair, and maybe a haunted chocolate biscuit or three. You will be enchanted.        https://www.karenperkinsauthor.com/                    https://www.karenperkinsauthor.com/blog                                            https://www.facebook.com/groups/yorkshireghosts/  Are you ready for intriguing glimpses of history/herstory through riveting supernatural journeys? Let the threads of the past tug at us, connect us, flinging us into the gloaming, where, strangely, we’ll wish to revisit. 

I could go on and on, but you get the point, there’s endless stories waiting to be told, endless stories waiting for you to unfold. Read some of them. Tell your own.

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Posted in Books, motivational, satire

How To Be A Bestselling Author in 3 Days or Less

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

There’s a lot of noise out there about how to write a bestseller.

Why don’t we break it down.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Let’s simplify the process and get you to bestseller status in 3 days or less!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

1. Write a book.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Use as many words as you think you need.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Plots are plots (it’s all been done/redone/overdone; characters are key).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Use a computer…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

typewriter…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

pencil or pen…

None of it means anything if you don’t use your heart.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

2. Edit.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Do not try this at home.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Being your own editor is like trying to cure your own cancer.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Don’t mistake skill or intent for reality.

A friend, family member, professional editor, a dog or cat (if the communication is clear) – anyone (and I mean anyone) but you, unless you have special skills.

3. Get published.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/
Big fancy publisher, self-publishing, blog it in serialized form, print them out and hand them to the masses on a street corner, just get it out there. https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/21/how-to-get-your-book-published/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

4. Do a book tour.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/
Sign books, shake hands, meet your fans, hope they don’t want to steal your kidney as a prize.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

5. Become rich and famous.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Yes, become so rich and famous you’ll forget all the hard work…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

all the anxiety, rejection, doubt, derision.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Don’t forget not to be a scummy rich and famous person.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

6. If 1-5 don’t happen, no worries.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/
No one wants to publish my should-be bestsellers (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/03/25/welcome-to-your-life/),

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

but don’t stop me now (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/02/06/dont-stop-me-now/)!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

I’m going to keep on writing, reading, researching, submitting, getting rejected, being ignored, and only slightly feeling the stings of all the subtle and not-so-subtle scoffing and mocking.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Repeat again and again.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/Why? I have to get it all out of my head.

As for would-be authors of a ‘certain age’, don’t despair, many famous authors didn’t kick-start their written legacy until later in life, not always for lack of trying:

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/J.R.R. Tolkien, Mark Twain, Toni Morrison, Anna Sewell, Bram Stoker,

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Alex Haley, Charles Bukowski, Laura Ingalls Wilder, William S. Burroughs, 

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Raymond Chandler, Frank McCourt, Marquis de Sade (don’t be that guy).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Even J.K. Rowling and Dr. Seuss

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

weren’t spring chickens…oh the places you’ll go (er, Hogwarts?).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

My point? 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months, 3 years or 30…Write, draw, sing, dance, sculpt, design video games, whatever, creativity doesn’t come with an expiry date, a time stamp – as long as you live you can create.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2019/07/07/how-to-be-a-bestselling-author-in-3-days-or-less/

Posted in Blogs, Books, ebooks

The Curse of Time

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Time shambles forward, clumsy, cumbersome cogs crushing us beneath its graceless bulk. At least that’s what it feels some days. Other days it feels like “Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” (Groucho Marx?). We just have to hope for the best as the big ball of wibbly wobbly, timey wimey stuff (thank you Doctor Who, you always have right wordsies for every situation) drags us along on its universal joyride.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Spending time reading M.J. Mallon’s first book in the series, “The Curse of Time: Bloodstone”, I must warn you, could fill you with magic and mystery, intrigue and imagination, romance and possible fear of ruination and the worst part, you may not be able to put it down. Start reading only when you have time (hint: make time).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

I started following Marje’s (M.J. Mallon) blog https://mjmallon.com ages ago (a great choice if I do say so), but despite being a fellow blogger I have to give an honest review. I honestly enjoyed it and I know the prejudice some people have against YA so let’s call this YAH (Young At Heart)…Paulo Coelho wisely told us, “Don’t waste your time with explanations: people only hear what they want to hear.”  Same goes for books, read what you want to read. https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/This book has young people, yet the themes, feelings, fears, hopes, and dreams are ageless, timeless. It brings you instantly into the seeming dysfunction and discovery of Amelina’s life; knowing there are layers and layers to peel back. I like when an author gives me a page-turner so chock-full of fantasy and mystery I want to flip to the end just to see, to know – I don’t ever do it but I love when I want to.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Einstein probably said, “Time is an illusion”

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Time is an illusion, magical and never more so than when absorbed in a cool book.
Time is also a puzzle and Marje captures that perfectly by using puzzle pieces instead of chapters.
I have only one real issue, I hate to be nitpicky…where’s the next book? I’ll wait because we know, time spent with a wonderful book is time well-spent.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Time teaches too, I recently learned that pigs do fly, well, at least glowing pigs fly. I’m so lucky, not only to have the gift of my blogging community/family but sometimes it gets even better, they send me two of my favourite words,  free books!!! Other words I love together? Universal Healthcare! Tons’o’pasta! Free chocolate!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Teagan Ríordáin Geneviene, an astonishing blog and book presence https://teagansbooks.com/ sent me another amazing book in her Atonement, Tennessee series, https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/Snort (we all make that sound when we laugh sometimes, er, don’t we?) Stories, The Glowing Pigs. I fell in love with pigs reading Charlotte’s Web a zillion (true story, a zillion) times,https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/ but this made me fall all over again…and these ones glow (my son has questions about glowing bacon and not in a you-live-in-the-Simpsons’-Springfield-sort-of-way). If you haven’t had the pleasure of visiting Atonement, Tennessee, I respectfully suggest you rectify that immediately. https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

There are a few problems with Teagan’s work,
1) They’re captivating, possibly addictive,
2) You might get the urge to go to the nearest animal shelter and rescue a calico cat, in hopes it might be as wonderful as Lilith – don’t worry, all cats are magical and wonderful, they’ll tell you so each and every day…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

And 3) You’ll want to move to the spooky, magical, charming Atonement and be plum disappointed when you find out it was all created in Teagan’s mind (ie. Atonement In Bloom, organic and locally grown).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Grunt, snuffle, snort, I hope to visit again and again (this needs to be a TV series…needs to be) https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/07/15/see-you-again/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Speaking of time, Doctor Who is back (and the nerd crowd goes wild!). The Doctor is clearly written as an attention-challenged, arrogant lost boy, but so far, Jodie Whittaker is taking up the mantle and charging forth, fast-talking, befuddled and so far, bloody fun. I am beyond pleasantly surprised (Oops, I love when that happens!).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

One could almost forget this season’s forgettable villains and companions, shaky camera, over-bright colours and inconsistencies…I said almost. Maybe we need more Captain Jack and kittens? https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

In the 4 plus decades I’ve watched Doctor Who, some Doctors are better, and some, well, let’s not get into it now, time will tell.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Blogging also takes a lot of time (and energy) https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/10/23/if-i-could-save-time-in-a-blog-bottle/ https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Yet I keep coming back for more… https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/08/22/umbrella/

“How did it get so late so soon? It’s night before it’s afternoon. December is here before it’s June. My goodness how the time has flewn. How did it get so late so soon?” https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Seriously, Dr. Seuss, even my 5 year blog anniversary flewn by… https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/09/05/oops-i-did-it-again/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

I guess time can be a curse or gift, depending on how you use it.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2018/10/17/the-curse-of-time/

Posted in Books, Christmas

The Cat’s Pajamas Birthday Party

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/Resistance can suck. It’s draining to be straining, pulling this way and that, feeling like you’re going nowhere, fast…I’m trying to think of it as a chance to build emotional muscles. Note the word ‘trying’. I guess I could also think of it as The Facts of Life or Growing Pains (RIP Alan Thicke, I’ll never get the TV themes you wrote out of my head).https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

I’m trying to resist the siren call of Netflix (note the word ‘trying’ again). Christmas movies/specials (even I can OD on those) and politics dominate the tube (don’t even get me started); most shows are taking a holiday break – Z Nation, Westworld, The Walking Dead…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

…so I’m reading.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

It’s a busy time of year and if you’re still looking for Christmas gifts I can help https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/12/18/these-arent-the-gifts-youre-looking-for/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

With an emphasis on the gift of reading. New, almost new, new to you, gently used, regifted – books bought from wherever, or a gift certificate or e-certificate for books or ebooks. While it might be difficult to resist the bestseller list, why not try some indie authors, they’re the cat’s pajamas, remember, best-selling doesn’t mean it’s the best book. Shop local and/or shop within your blogging community. Buy from the author or go on Amazon (dot whatever your country) and look up some of these authors – ebooks download in a flash.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/Many indie authors are also bloggers, like Teagan Riordain Geneviene, https://teagansbooks.com a skillful storyteller who’ll keep you chained to your book/ereader/smartphone/tablet/laptop for hours with her brilliant books, Atonement, Tennessee (https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/10/03/sweet-dreams-are-made-of-this/ – my copy is so well-read it looks ancient) and The Three Things Serial Story: A Little 1920s Story which began as an interactive serial, readers/bloggers gave suggestions, three things each which were woven into the story. I just finished re-reading it and it’s the cat’s meow, as swanky and entertaining as I remember.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

Make sure you drop by Teagan’s blog, I’ve heard rumours of a 1920s blog party https://teagansbooks.com/2016/12/16/1920s-party-three-things-serial-story/ – Silks and Bathtub gin will be flowing…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

In keeping with the Roaring 20s, I saw Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, from the J.K. Rowling book. I shared part of my about-to-expire-gift-certificate-for-two, since I went alone,with an older couple – see how easy it is to spread  more Christmas cheer? I loved the Hidden Figures, Wonder Woman, and King Arthur previews and the movie itself brought back the wonder, the magic of early Harry Potter books/movies.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

There are bloggers who never fail put a smile on the face of those who visit his blogs, like David, an author and a Lord:
https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/10/09/you-may-say-im-a-dreamer/
https://barsetshirediaries.wordpress.com/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/
And so many more:
Tess https://letscutthecrap.wordpress.com/
John http://www.johnhowell.com
Mary https://maryjdresselbooks.com/
Debby http://dgkayewriter.com/
Sally https://smorgasbordinvitation.wordpress.com/
Olga http://authortranslatorolga.com/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

Ned  https://nedhickson.com/
Mary http://www.marysmith.co.uk/
Arthur https://pouringmyartout.com/
Janice http://www.mostlyblogging.com
Cynthia https://cynthiasreyes.com/
Luccia https://lucciagray.com/
Hugh https://hughsviewsandnews.com/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/
And bloggers helping authors and bloggers, like the delight ladies of #BloggersPitStop:
https://www.kathleenaherne.com/the-blog/
http://www.mostlyblogging.com/
http://coachdebbieruns.com/
http://www.pkjulesworld.com/

Everyone over at #FridayFrivolity blog party:
http://www.devastateboredom.com/
http://syncopatedmama.blogspot.ca/
http://www.babiafi.co.uk/
http://www.stayathomeyogi.com/
http://www.thatrecipe.com/blog/
http://munofore.com/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/
#FridayFrolics linky party: http://lifeloveanddirtydishes.com/friday-frolics/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/
Throwback fun at #TrafficJamWeekend linky party:
http://beingawordsmith.com/
http://www.lainaturner.com/
http://frugalcouponcrazy.us/
http://epicmommyadventures.com/
http://www.eclecticevelyn.com/
https://livingmommywood.blogspot.ca/
http://www.marriage-reset.com/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/
Danny  https://dreambigdreamoften.co/
Opinionated Man https://aopinionatedman.com/
Chris the Story Reading Ape https://thestoryreadingapeblog.com/
Christine http://cerobinsonauthor.com
And so many more! If I missed anyone, leave your links below at my birthday party or over at my ongoing blog party https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/08/dear-santa-i-can-explain/ Go indie, they’re the cat’s meow!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

I love books from Random House, Simon and Schuster, etc., but I also love smaller publishing houses – Open Court, Jessica Kinsley Publishing, Page Street Publishing, BenBella Books, Agate, Sasquatch and the list goes on; bigger doesn’t always mean better. If you’re not only a gifter, or a reader, but a writer and want to be an author, go out there and get published, one way or another https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/21/how-to-get-your-book-published/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

I’ve given up resisting the lure of Christmas baking,

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

and once again I will be checking into Clementine rehab in January,

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

but I’m strangely trying to resist some forms of giving, ie when people tell you to give a 100%, that’s ridiculous, what if I gave 100% of my blood, or lent someone a 100% of my money, or gave them 100% of my time? The holidays are a time of giving, but one of the best gifts, remembering not everyone has someone https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/11/22/how-to-get-away-with-christmas/ Please give your time, ideas, blood, items, whatever, not just in the holiday season, but all year round. https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

Speaking of giving, don’t forget to drop by (or drop by again and again, give the gift of up to 12 links, they don’t need to be Christmas related) my ongoing blog party, my Christmas card to my blogging family/friends https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/08/dear-santa-i-can-explain/

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/
Christmas is almost here and my birthday,

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

then 2016 ends. Who know what 2017 will bring? Be open to all the possibilities, don’t pine for what might have been, it might never have been what you really wanted, or needed. All the best to you and yours in this the holiday season and all the year through and to a Happy New Year!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2016/12/15/the-cats-pajamas-birthday/

Posted in Blogs, Books, Chocolate, Family, Movies, Televison, Uncategorized

How To Get Your Book Published

1funny608As a writer I’ve read literally (that might not be the correct use of that word) thousands of articles on ‘how to get your book published’.

Then I noticed something strange about all of those articles, something they all had in common – they’d all been written by published authors.

What? This is a complete travesty! There are so many more of us, unpublished writers, looking for work and those authors are hogging the spotlight. They get books published, then they get articles published about how to get published. What a scam!

I’ve read enough self-help books to know what had to be done, those books (ironically, also written by published authors) clearly tell us that if you want something bad enough, you just have to imagine it, wish for it, and you’ll get it. Or was that a book about fairy tales?

Anyway…here’s my version of imagining it, wishing for it, my 12 easy steps to get your book published, I mean, how hard could it be, there are whole buildings full of books.

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How To Get Your Book Published:

1. Write a book.

2. Books or manuscripts (as they say in the biz) are generally typed on typing thingies. Some famous writers in history seemed to prefer typewriters, who knows, maybe they didn’t know about computers back then, I don’t have all the answers. I suggest going for a more personalized approach – handwriting your book. Publishers will appreciate your dedication and they’ll understand you really want this book deal.

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3. Go on a book tour. Don’t wait for your book to be published, the public is hungry for your words, bring them to the masses. Go to a book store and start telling customers all about your book. Sign books they’re holding or books on the store shelves – someday when you’re famous they’ll thank you for it.

4. Get an agent. As exciting as it might be, not a secret or special agent.

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5. You need a literary-sounding name. If your name isn’t already literary-sounding, change it to something like: J.K. Rowling, Dan Brown, Dr. Seuss, Jane Austen, Stephen King, Stephenie Meyer, George R.R. Martin, Shakespeare, E.L. James, Suzanne Collins, Agatha Christie – something really authory.

6. Writing for children is different from writing for adults. For example, don’t use the name Stephen King or anything he writes about…ever.

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7. Have family and friends write glowing book blurbs and reviews. If possible, have them use a well-known authory name, see #5 for examples.

8. People love pictures. You should totally get some of those.

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9. Have characters in your book. Characters is just a fancy literary term for people you write about, either made-up people or those you know (I doubt anyone will sue you).

10. People like when characters do stuff in books. Have your characters stay busy. I don’t want to tell you what to write, but supernatural, scary, science, and sex (or a combination thereof) fly off the shelves. Have fictitious people who don’t even slightly resemble your siblings, parents, children, boss, ex, celebrities, anyone, living or dead or undead, doing fictitious (nudge nudge, wink wink) stuff.

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11. Have your publisher help you promote your book. Sorry, did I skip that part? Get a publisher, preferably one who showers you with money, then get them to help promote your book (see #1).

12. Be prepared. Get ready, not only for fame and fortune, but to discuss and possibly explain your book, at length, on or in: TV, radio, podcasts, blogs, forums, bathroom stalls, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, Skype, planes, trains, automobiles, restaurants, conventions, parties, family gatherings, fan sites, stalker fan sites, book signings (see #3 and don’t forget to bring a pen) – yes, everywhere and mostly to people who haven’t actually read your book.

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Now you’ve done all the hard work. Take some ‘me time’, relax in a bubble bath, have some tea or wine.

Let those royalties roll in and remember, show some love to those who helped you out. You’re welcome.

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