A Singular Girl’s Guide To Life
As a girl you grow up being taught so many things, but many girls aren’t taught how to be single, better yet, singular, or even better, singularly spectacular. I’m pretty sure this goes for boys as well.
One of the big things looming over a single person is dating. The mysteries of the ages look simple compared to dating. Dating is so complex there are times you don’t even know you’re on a date, in fact, you could be on a date right now. And actually getting a date, that’s more complicated than doing your taxes and most often, less fun.
Dating keeps getting weirder…texting, online dating (did they just match me up with my ex?), sexting, digital fantasies – are we dating or on a sci-fi reality show? And what’s with The Bachelor? If I wanted to date a guy who was dating lots of other women at the same time I would have stayed in the music scene. No, I don’t accept your rose, I don’t know where it’s been.
Be ready to let it go. Hypothetically let’s say you and another person manage to agree to see each other, at a specific time and place, not virtually, but the date isn’t going well. He endlessly checks his phone, explains how women who like chocolate are emotionally constipated, tells stories about his spawn-of-Satan-horns-and-all ex (still married, just a technicality, really, we’re waiting until after the baby is born to divorce), the time he was in prison (a complete misunderstanding), asks to see your toes, and then he says, “Hey, I missed you,” when you came back from the washroom. You start looking for exits and wondering why you didn’t take the money you spent on hair, clothes, and make-up for the date and buy lottery tickets; the odds are ever in your favour. In a desperate attempt to save the date, you try to find common ground, only to discover it’s more like quicksand.
Be the change you want to see in the date. Don’t think of a bad date as a disaster (that word is reserved for when your plane goes down, the volcano you’re climbing erupts, or you learn they’re discontinuing your favourite ice cream flavour), think of it as a learning opportunity. Do a forensic exam of the date. It might have gone better if you hadn’t talked about your extreme obsession with Daryl Dixon (not Norman Reedus, Daryl Dixon), or the hilarious time you put laxatives in your ex’s coffee, or enthused about the TV show, Say Yes to The Dress and how you can’t wait to be on it, or told your date his haircut makes him look like Charles Manson. But who can really pin down the exact moment where things went wrong?
Be the date. Visualize how you want the date to go. You want to charm your date. Be urbane and witty, your eyes should sparkle like diamonds, your hair should catch the light as your toss it casually over your shoulder (not too close to the candlelight or it will actually catch on fire).
Be who you want to date. Think about it, if you want your date to be interesting and fun, be that yourself. If you want your date to be a bad boy type who may run guns on the weekend and is wiping his fingerprints from all the silverware and glasses he uses on the date, be that yourself (oh, don’t forget to take your napkin, they can do wonders with DNA nowadays).
Be your own date. If dating is getting you down, take a break. Learn how to be a singularly spectacular person on your own. Take yourself out to dinner without reading or checking your cellphone, instead, watch the people (not in a creepy-the-management-has-to-ask-you-to-leave-and-puts-your-picture-up-so-you-can’t-come-back way); appreciate the meal and me time. Take yourself to the movie, but if you’re still on the lookout for Mr. Right even when spending time alone, I don’t recommend Magic Mike XXL, the gents in the audience will be more into Channing Tatum than you.
Being a singular person is about being you, in all situations, so get out there and be your own party.
Rock Me Amadeus
No one ever talked or did stuff like they did in 80’s movies. Ever.
In the future, they’ll probably dig up 80’s movies and come to conclusions like: Ferris Bueller was a god, aliens could phone home from Earth, “wax on, wax off” was a common phrase, and paternity results were only told to your child in space, after you cut off their hand. They’re going to think the 80’s were even more messed up than they were.
And what was with romance in the 80’s?
Why sit on a table with a birthday cake and a cute boy? I can think of much better things to do…with that cake.
Everyone was dancing – dirty dancing, flashdancing, Kevin Bacon dancing (don’t know what else to call it).
A guy with a boom box and a trench coat outside your house…nowadays, restraining order, or it would go viral, or both.
Officers, gentlemen, risky business, funny business.
Adventures, in space or babysitting, as long as they were most excellent, dude.
Supernatural, psycho, science, time travel – sometimes all at once.
Where’d they get all the gremlins, goonies, vampires, muppets, and aliens?
Actually, that all sounds like the soundtrack to my 80’s.
Know what also ruled in the 80’s? Political incorrectness. Who could worry about offending anyone when girls just wanted to have fun and boys wanted girls to have fun, especially with them?
I kind of miss it. Sure, political correctness is good in theory, don’t say unto others what you don’t want said to you, but has the correctness over-corrected? I don’t know if you can change human nature, people just say weird stuff.
“That’s the best kind of cancer to have.” Let’s review that sentence. Nope, still looks weird. The best kind of cancer is no cancer.
“Don’t worry.” Why are they telling me not to worry, is it because they know I should be worried and they don’t want me to panic?
“Do you have a bathroom?” Did you mean to ask if you can use my bathroom, because yes, I have a bathroom, I don’t ‘go’ in the yard.
“Money won’t make you happy.” I think money and I would be very happy together, we’d make the perfect couple (couple of million).
“Time heals all wounds.” Not true. Time doesn’t heal anything, it just passes.
“If you get lost in the woods, don’t panic.” Of course I’m going to panic! I’m lost, in the woods!!! Surrounded by bears, badgers, and bugs, maybe zombies in the dark (when I picture being lost in the woods, it’s always dark), and with my luck, zombie bears, badgers and bugs (note to self, pitch a spin-off to AMC, working title, The Walking Bears, Badgers, and Bugs™ ).
“Everything happens for a reason.” Technically correct, but I’m not sure that’s how people mean it.
“I think therefore I am.” Not true for everyone, have you been on the internet?
“I know you are, but what am I?” This one is actually timeless.
Back to 2015, my Don’t Worry, Be Happy 365 day project enters Week 3, will I falter?
Week 1, amazing: https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/03/dont-worry-be-happy/
Week 2, a revelation: https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/09/to-blog-or-not-to-blog/
1. Remove 15 minutes or more per day of sitting time (replace with dancing, but with less enthusiasm to Falco’s Rock Me Amadeus, my knee will thank me).
2. Remove another 100 calories per day (Again, not veggies…perhaps cake, but not, like chocolate cake, right?).
3. Remove 15 minutes or more of screen time per day to read or research.
4. Do 1 thing I’ve put off doing.
5. Read a book I said I’d never read (doesn’t leave me the range you’d think it would).
6. Pay it forward, aka do something good and don’t tell anyone what I did.
7. Try a food I haven’t tried (I guess I can’t sneak cake in and pretend?).
20 Movies To Avoid on a First Date
1. The Notebook. There’s no winner here, men will be edging to the door wanting to avoid the crying woman beside him in the theater and comparing themselves to Ryan Gosling. Your date will be all dewy-eyed and comparing you to Ryan Gosling.
2. (500) Days Of Summer. Sweet and quirky, but both of you will be thinking, hmmmm, they’re just going to break my heart, why even start this?
3. Lolita. Whole mess of discomfort and awkward conversations.
4. Saw. Any of them. Stay away from horror movies unless your date specifically says they love horror movies.
5. Knocked Up. Take a trip to a pharmacy before you see this.
6. Anything too funny – who can live up to that? Your jokes will fall flat for the rest of the night and you’ll end up repeating back the movie lines. Great way to weed out atrocious laughers though.
7. Marley & Me. Nothing says hot date like the death of a beloved pet.
8. Muriel’s Wedding, The Wedding Date, Monsoon Wedding, My Big Fat Greek Wedding. My Best Friend’s Wedding, Love Actually…you could be sized up for a tux while you’re getting popcorn. This goes double for Jane Austen-related films.
9. Anything too political. Could spark a lively debate or you could end up hating each other.
10. How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days. Because it’s about screwing up relationships, but mainly because it’s just kinda boring.
11. Fatal Attraction, Basic Instinct, Misery, Play Misty For Me, You Belong To Me, One Hour Photo, Sleeping With the Enemy, The Crush. Anything too stalkery – your date will be looking for the exits and changing their number.
12. Anything by David Lynch. This could lead to unsettling conversations about who has tried what, with whom, and when.
13. Titanic. Too long and spoilers, it didn’t end well. This goes for: Romeo and Juliet, Blue Valentine, Blue Velvet, The Comfort of Strangers, Antichrist, American Psycho, or Shame.
14. The Break Up. Leads to long silences and not just about the poor acting.
15. War movies, specifically Holocaust related.
16. Back to the Future. Mom in love with her son. Enough said.
17. He’s Just Not That Into You. Too much chatter and suspicion.
18. Vanilla Sky. I have nothing.
19. Remember Me. Your date may not want Robert Pattinson to die and guess what? Stick with any of the Twilight films.
20. Say Anything. Unless you have a boom box, a trench coat and are John Cusack, don’t even try this one.
BRIDGET JONES’S DIARY
It is a truth universally acknowledged that just about everyone knows a Bridget, is a Bridget, or wants to be a Bridget.
I get why this movie is branded a chick flick, but I respectfully disagree. This is a movie about choices, about being yourself and true to yourself even if that might be a little wonky, and about love. Aren’t those common themes? If not, maybe they should be.
And as funny as the movie is, I tend to think the book even funnier, but then you don’t get the cast, toss up.So whether you’ve found your reindeer jumper magic or still asking where’s the loo, keep going, because as long as you’re having fun…that’s the real magic.Happy Christmas!