Ever heard ’em say you gotta live like you’re dyin’?
I better get on, cause time’s a-flyin’, yeah
Lyin’ in my bed at night I’m thinkin’
What if? What if…?
Guess it’s not too late
This heart is still a-beatin’
Hate livin’ a “woulda shoulda coulda” life.
Can’t go back in time, no DeLorean, no TARDIS.
Gotta move forward, even through the endless strife.
What if, what if, what if is too big a miss.
Maybe I gotta dream a bit bigger
Burn a bit brighter
Dig a bit deeper
Reach a bit further
Love a bit harder
Wanna go ahead with no what ifs.
Wanna move ahead with no what ifs.
What if…?
Those two little words carry soooo much baggage…
- Suitcases full of regret.
- Carry-ons stuffed with yesterday’s woes.
- Trunk of troubles.
- Duffel bags filled with heads full of sorrow.
- Portmanteau of problems.
- Valise of grief.
- Chest of contrition.
- Gladstone bag of self-reproach.
- Attache of shame.
- Briefcase of emotional bruises.
- Luggage of loss…
What if, what if, fillin’ ’em up or toss them out?
Marvel asks the question, “What if…?” each week in their Disney+ series, “What if…?”, reminding us that one choice, one moment can change things forever…
Yet in this “golden” age of social media, instant gratification, and rushing, rushing, rushing (did I mention rushing?), we think less and less about how one moment, one choice can affect us and so many others. We get caught up in being heard, seen, being right, being busy, we forget to stop and think about others. It’s terrifying how little we think of how our choices affect others. Truly terrifying.
We forget the most important rule, do unto others…what you’re saying, what you’re doing affects not only you, but many others.
They say you gotta be brave, you gotta be bold, you gotta be wiser. But what if your bravery is hiding in the closet? What if your boldness is taking an extended vacation? What if your wisdom has been elected Mayor of Dumbtown?
You gotta be hard, you gotta be tough, you gotta be stronger.
What if you’re ooey and gooey? What if you’re as flimsy as a politician’s promise? What if you’re as weak as an adorable fluffy kitten without the adorable or fluffy parts?
You gotta be cool, but what if your brain feels like it’s on fire? You gotta be calm, what if your life is an F5 Tornado? You gotta stay together, but what if you’re shattering into a million little pieces?
Last month I broke up with myself (“Hey baby, are you a “Star Wars” sequel? Cause I never want to see you again“). https://yadadarcyyada.com/2021/08/23/seems-breakin-up-was-easier-in-the-90s/
Before that I explained how i met your author (and maybe you should too), https://yadadarcyyada.com/2021/05/21/how-i-met-your-author/
This month I’m trippin’ down the yellow brick road, tryin’ to find myself a brain, a heart, some courage, and a home. 
That “home” part may confuse those who know I just moved a couple of months ago. Yes, but sadly some aspects of my new home that would have helped me make an informed decision about moving into this torture chamber apartment, were, er, withheld. One of the biggest withholds, the icing on the crap cake…As of September 1st, new “neighbours”/post-secondary students (though I’ve called the entitled little blanks a whole lot of other names in the past few weeks). I’ve witnessed streaking and public urination…ugh. 
What else? Fights, extremely loud music (and not the good stuff), lack of social distancing, sharing red plastic cups, cigarettes, bottles…no masks, no brains, no hope. I weep for the future.
I’ve sadly had to cut back the activities of my support group, “Chronic Not Hopeless” https://yadadarcyyada.com/2021/01/30/chronic-not-hopeless/, we’re suffering from terrible migraines, lack of sleep, anxiety, and so much more. This isn’t just a nuisance, it’s hurting our health. But what to do? Say F it and live in a shoe? Nope, instead, we’re moving…again.
Instead of finding peace of mind,
I’m backed into a corner,
talkin’ to myself,
cryin’ to myself at night.
Filled with regret.
Back and forth through my mind.
Feelin’ like I lost a cosmic bet.
And the feeling coming from
my bones says, “Find a home”…
I’ve sadly learned/relearned important lessons.
1) People don’t always tell you everything you need to make an informed decision and that can cost, physically, emotionally and fiscally.
2) This pandemic was never about saving the elderly, flattening the curve, stopping the spread. It was never about masks or vaccines. Lost lives, lost jobs, lost homes, lost health, so much loss. All the sacrifice. All the heartache. All the trauma. All so people could party.
When the world smashes down on you…When people lie to you, how do you believe again? What if we all just treated each other with decency? What if we thought about others? What if instead of arguing about masks, vaccines, race, religion, medications, elections (broken systems), celebrities, and so much more, why not agree to disagree and try to make life better instead of so much worse?
This blog post inspired by some of my usual things, aka: chocolate; family; friends; music – my mind is simply a never-ending playlist; tea, hot chocolate, tea and more tea; romance novels, mystery novels, any kind of novels and non-fiction, ok, let’s be honest, I’d read the side of a cereal box – me likey words!); “The Walking Dead”, “Fear The Walking Dead”, “The Walking Dead: World Beyond” (I sense a pattern here but what oh what could it be?); sooo many documentaries; “Murder She Baked”, er and Wrote; “Mystery 101”; “McDonald and Dodds”; computers…anyone looking forward to the new “Downton Abbey” movie? And added to my unusual brainwaves:
Marvel’s “What If…?”, of course;
“Only Murders in the Building” (Star/Disney+)-
if you enjoy a good mystery, this one is full of
“what ifs” and “whodunits” – enjoyable performances
by Steve Martin, Martin Short, Selena Gomez with
guest appearances by Sting and Tina Fey;
entitled brats; kindness (we need more, more, more);
hidden traps; rain (what if we blame it on the rain?);
pumpkins;
And yet more, um, stimulus? Matthew West; Des’ree; Queen, White Stripes; “Cruella” (Emma Stone and Emma Thompson are awesome but the movie itself, sigh, way too long, probably like this post);
What else inspired this post besides
emptying my brain, er, I mean, “ER”…Generally really good,
lots of great stars and would-be stars.
And I might be wrong but I think maybe I
could do some mediciney-type stuff now, it
seems to mostly involve saying things like:
“Get me a crash cart!”, “Crits are down!”,
“Are you my appendix? Because I feel like I should take you out.”,
“Pulse ox is stable!”, “Coding” (so much coding),
“I should take your temperature because you’re looking really hot!”,
“I’d specialize in you anyday…”,
“She’s getting tachy!” (or was that Real Housewives?),
“You look a little down, maybe you need a a shot of Vitamin ME!”,
“I can’t wait to sleep cause ICU in my dreams every night”,
ok, wait, most of those are just me thinking of George Clooney,
Noah Wyle and Goran Višnjić, umm, gulp, nevermind;
And still more…
“Roswell: New Mexico”;
“Secrets of Skinwalker Ranch”;
and wow, “The Suicide Squad” – 2021, with the help of James Gunn, DC finally got it right. “The Suicide Squad” is an R-rated cousin of The Guardians of the Galaxy, um, on crack? Margot Robbie rules as Harley Quinn aka Daddy’s Little Monster with fun/surreal bits from: Nathan Fillion, Peter Capaldi, John Cena, Sylvester Stallone (“Nom nom?”), Pete Davidson, Idris Elba, Daniela Melchior, Michael Rooker, David Dastmalchian, Taika Waititi, Sean Gunn, and the weasel (also Sean Gunn).
And of course, what always inspires, ice cream,
way too much ice cream
(is that a thing, way too much ice cream?);
Some other things that wandered into my life…
“Midnight Mass” (Netflix) –Mike Flanagan nods to Stephen King – in a “what if” wonderful mind mess, with a great soundtrack. “Midnight Mass”, “Haunting of Hill House”, “Haunting of Bly Manor”, “Hush“, etc., hmmm, I wonder if being born in Salem, Massachusetts influenced Flanagan to create and direct his horrors...
I took another bite out of the “Santa Clarita Diet”; thankful Drew Barrymore and Timothy Olyphant make the undead so delightfully delicious.
And cookies, they never fail to motivate me, how about you?
I like to think people, books, TV shows, movies, etc. come upon you not when you need them, but when you can find something in them you need. For me, “The Starling” contained this message: some things are out of our control. I knew this, of course I knew this, yet sometimes I need to be reminded of certain things. Melissa McCarthy, Chris O’Dowd, Kevin Kline, Timothy Olyphant, Daveed Diggs, Skylar Gisondo, Loretta Devine don’t disappoint in this intense, with moments of levity, but to be sure, intense, dramedy. The subject matter, grief, is a very personal and should be treated with care. Why not treat everyone with care?
My biggest inspiraton? Autumn/Fall, my favourite season: Halloween, Thanksgiving, pumpkins (except pumpkin spice, I’m gonna say it, don’t like it, can we still be friends? I support your pumpkin spice love, if that helps); the crisp air and even crisper apples; the gorgeous ever-changing leaf show; soft sweaters; softer throw blankets; comfortable walks…
It’s a complex story that could be hard-to-follow, perhaps because it’s such a unique fusion of the natural and supernatural, but instead this tactile and celestially charged story has wings that fly in a metaphysical rush through love, hope, honour, action, and mostly, redemption. It was one of those, I’ll-just-read-a-little-more-maybe-a-few-more-pages-just-one-more-chapter-until-I’d-devoured-the-whole-book-and-had-to-write-this-book-review-or-my-version-thereof type things. Heart-thumping, in more ways than one. I can clearly picture The Contract as a movie, or a Netflix series (hint hint Netflix, get this before Hulu, Amazon Prime, Playstation Vue, HBO, or someone else gets it).
also, Abigail Spencer, Clayne Crawford, Linds Edwards, J.D. Evermore, J. Smith-Cameron, Nathan Darrow, Caitlin FitzGerald, Adelaide Clemens, Luke Kirby, as well as an impressive amount of Deadwood and The Walking Dead (idea for a new show, The Walking Deadwood? ) alumni. This is a compelling cautionary tale of how our carelessness with people can start chain reactions of brokenness. That despite unspeakable (but needs to be spoken of, long and loud) cruelty and injustice, you can find hope, kindness, justice, and even, redemption, sometimes in the most unlikely places. If this doesn’t fix in your mind how easily life can come undone and redone, I surely don’t know what would.
Turns out, being an adult is hard work.
and nasty.
yadadarcyyada 