Posted in Books, Food, Holidays, Uncategorized

7 Ways To Survive Your Kitchen

Posted on by D. Parker

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/The sun set; dusk fell on the shelf, and lights began to appear along the stove. That which blends, so held, in hand or all alone, such power, to mix, to mash, to merge, to fuse, once individual, now as one, together. The upper reaches, the place of monstrous leftovers, marked ominously with a date, huddle in the brooding gloom of fridge light, mocked by the enticing garish glare of magnet cradled take-out flyers.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

 “And this,” she noted suddenly, “has to be one of the dark places of the earth.”

 In the static of their surroundings, the slightly scornful pots, pans, knives and other pointy things lurked, growled their promise, ready to play the food game.

 She doggedly tried to follow the medically suggested diet; the worst that could be said of her was she wanted to believe.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

 Food is not for the faint of heart, it beckons, it bubbles, it boils, it brews, it even burns...Food, as perplexing as the definition of fake news. My food feelings? Let’s just say, my kitchen and me, we’re officially changing our relationship status to, “It’s complicated”.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

Let’s Play – 7 Ways To Survive Your Kitchen!!!

1. Have your recipes, like blog posts and/or synopsis ready – in your head, online, or written down. Have all your ingredients out first, nothing worse than being halfway through and notice you’re not rising to the occasion.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/2. Cooking is time-consuming, like blogging, like writing, like life itself, but if you clean up as you go, it’s easier. Try baking soda and vinegar – ecofriendly, frugal, and together they’re an explosive combination, seriously you can make a volcano while cleaning. Don’t forget to snap on your rubber gloves and clean that dirty, dirty oven. Maybe you’ll have naughty dreams about kitchens – hot, steamy dreams about someone else cooking/cleaning for you, oh yeees!!!

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

3. Tempted by takeaway/takeout, fast food, even processed foods? Remind yourself it’s bad for your waist and wallet. Same goes for blogging, fast and processed, you can get that anywhere, isn’t it better to go for the real thing.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

4. Easter is an egg-cellent time to dye eggs, naturally, with family, friends (even imaginary ones), and furfriends. Then you can still eat them, the eggs, not family, friends, or furfriends. Is your egg a good egg? Fill a bowl with water. Gently place “suspicious” egg in the bowl. Does the egg stay on the bottom sideways – a good egg! Does it stand up, but lean drunkenly to the side – still good, but better really a pickled egg. Stands straight up, still ok, but use, like right now. Floating? A bad egg (cue the Veruca Salt song from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory). I am the maker of merriment, the dreamer of dreams (in case you were away https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/09/heres-to-the-ones-who-dream/).

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

 5. Beware The Pointies! It seems like kitchen gadgets, utensils, tools, gizmos, appliances, etc. are designed to somehow maim, mangle, or even murder those innocently trying to cook.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

Kitchens are deathtraps. Be safe.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

6. Lettuce us celebrate cooking! Like blogging, writing, social media, friendships, relationships, work, and life in general, it can be a time-eater. Orange you glad we didn’t make a big dill about this game? Romaine calm, even if you feel like you’re playing ketchup with all the relish you can mustard. Just beet it and spaghetti out of here.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

7. Life is like a paper bag…You just never know when you need to cover, conceal, meltdown, carry, ripen (seriously easy way to ripen your avocados, bananas, apples, tomatoes, etc.), and you really never know when you’re going to need a puppet. Be ready.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

Oh life, it’s bigger
It’s bigger than you (doesn’t feel like it on a bloat day)
And you are not me (not even on a bloat day)
The lengths that I will go to,
the chocolate that adds to my thighs
Oh no, I’ve ate too much
I didn’t eat enough?

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spotlight
Losing my willpower….
I thought that I heard you baking
I thought that I heard you grill
I think I thought I saw you fry

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

Consider this
Consider this, a hint of cake and cookies
Consider this, the stroganoff
That brought me to my knees
That was just a dream
Try, cry, why try
That was just a dream
Just a food dream
Just a food dream

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

Well, dear readers, do you want to keep playing? Awesome, then tell me your: food battles, food love affairs, diets, tips, advice, recipes.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

 I’d like to thank those who inspired the game: food, Joseph Conrad, Martin Sheen, R.E.M., Liam Neeson – I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for onions or garlic, I can’t have them. But I do have are a very peculiar set of skills, skills I have acquired over years of cooking…

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2017/03/23/7-ways-to-survive-your-kitchen/

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233 thoughts on “7 Ways To Survive Your Kitchen”

  3. Thanks very much. I just had to explain why I snorted with laughter when I told my bro I was leaving him to go to work. He wants to know what kind of work makes me laugh.He now thinks I lie about working altogether and moan about the hundreds of messages for no reason.
    Your blog is as fantastic as always and I love the way you can intersperse the pieces of film in there.
    Don’t ever stop adored one.
    xxx Massive Hugs xxx

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    1. Ha! Were you leaving playing games to go to “work” (were you putting work in quotes, it seems to be the thing to do these days lol)?
      Thank you so much, dear friend, you’re always a ray of sunshine and I’m so happy to know you enjoyed it, dear David – I’m trying to write more, it relaxes me. 😉
      Hope this week is treating you well and the weekend full of love, peace, hugs, and wonder. 🙂
      Massive but the messages they just keep coming but I guess it would be scarier if they stopped hugs xoxo

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    1. Your cheque is in the mail! But seriously, thank you, you’re too kind, but please, continue.
      Murdoch has left us on tenterhooks, again (love it) and they’re coming back (again) – awesome! 🙂

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      2. Yes, as far as I’m concerned it can go on and on and on, of course here in Canada because it’s CanCon (CRTC requirements that media must air a certain percentage of content that was at least partly written, produced, presented, or otherwise contributed to by persons from Canada) it does go on and on and on. lol 😉
        Mega Me Ol’ Mucker hugs xoxox

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Amazing. Love the “Losing Your Religion” and your kitchen challenges. I so remember that Lucy episode ! Order yourself a pizza. You’ve earned it !

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  6. Eat the eggs, not family or friends. A bad egg, oh the memories. Your lettuce variety of puns is completely fresh, I hate stale or rotten/slimy produce. My food battle used to be sugary sweets. Now it’s anything salty and creamy. I don’t buy any of it so every day is a regret and an accomplishment.

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  11. Diet tip: Never each carbos and proteins in the same meal. Carbs and veggies, proteins and veggies are all good. Steak and potato a no no. Pasta with meat sauce a no no. Bread and pasta yes yes. Bread and protein no no. Excellent post Donna.

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    1. Carbs seem to have taken a dislike (intense) to me of late so that’s not a big problem, but thanks for leaving the tip, John, good to know. Hope you have a wonder-filled weekend. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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  12. I satiate on your posts D.Parker.
    AND
    I have hot and steamy dreams about someone cooking for me….just let it be in their own kitchen.
    BUT
    My wet dreams abound when someone cleans up my own kitchen!
    I fly now at last to the too fast, too spicy, and too costly food of my dearest dream walker; my dearest dream stalker; my Chipotle`.
    (sung to the tune of..)

    ~~dru~~

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  16. Though I am a fool for puns and thus very enthusiastic about #6 (and, for that matter, the whole lot of this hilarious post), I have to pick #5 as my favorite. Will try to keep it in mind whilst I attempt to roast a chicken this weekend. Stopping by from #FridayFrivolity. Now back to the bird.

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  17. Funny as ever, Donna! And that first paragraph was spectacular; I really thought you were leading into a fiction story about a murderous kitchen/refrigerator or something, though I equally loved that yummy, tongue-in-cheek parallelism.
    Ah, food. People probably would not think I had struggles with it (both eating and preparing food), but I do. Just the other day I mega-burned toast. So I took it outside for the birds but felt compelled to photograph it before I threw it out. I think the birds might have rejected it. . . . I consider myself a bit of a modern-day Lucy. I have a good dish or two and it generally turns out okay, but when I make mistakes, I really make mistakes. Mostly with appliances and when I’m rushing too much (which I do because I don’t enjoy cooking and want to be done with it ASAP). Anyway, rambling. Good luck with . . . . everything, Donna! 🙂

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    1. I was inspired by Joseph Conrad.
      Did you think “The Birds! The Birds!” as you gave them your burnt offering? I’m sure they appreciated it on some level. 😉
      Hope you have a wonder-filled weekend!

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      1. Aha. I must admit I’ve not read Conrad in many years, and only The Heart of Darkness (which, as an author, I’d think it’s difficult to write a better book than that). And, no, I was probably more self-centered than that: I was thinking more like, “This is the worst I’ve ever burned toast. It’s amazing I didn’t burn the house down.” Then I guess it could be a Talking Heads tune.
        You have an excellent weekend, too, Donna!

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      2. Yes, that was the one, ‘Heart of Darkness’, aka, the kitchen when food is giving one issues.
        Oh no, now I’ve got “Burning’ Down The House” in my head, actually, that’s not a bad thing, thanks, off to dance! 😉

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Coincidentally, I saw some Cliff’s Notes at the store yesterday, which reminded me I also read Conrad’s Secret Sharer, but that was probably before HoD. Hope the dancing was invigorating, Donna!

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  19. Dear Donna, I so feel your pain about cooking and even more so about the cleanup! It amazes me that you turned it into such a delightful post! #6 is particularly fabulous.
    And I especially relate to the meme — “I tried to cook something from scratch, and ended up summoning a demon.” Horsefeathers! That explains everything!
    Given my allergy to eggs, and the fact that I just can’t seem to completely get rid of ulcers I do a lot of “sort of” cooking. What passes for chili in my kitchen would draw ridicule from anyone else for it’s lack of heat and marginal use of tomatoes. It’s sort-of chili. That kind of thing.
    TGIF, it’s been an ugly, frustrating, and LONG week. But the end is in sight. Mega hugs.

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    1. Jello from the other side, thank you for commenting and understanding, Teagan. Well, you don’t have to worry about #4 then. I think given my restrictions if I had to give up eggs too, wow, I feel your pain.
      I’m glad you enjoyed the post, put something good into your week. I’m sorry to hear it’s been so sucky, I’m sure you don’t want to taco bout it, but if you do (penne for your thoughts), I’m here to listen, you have my email (I’ve got all the thyme in the world). I’m wishing you a relaxing and peaceful weekend.
      Mega I donut have any more food puns hugs xoxox

      Liked by 1 person

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  21. Ok, I almost lost it with the onions and emotional bonds, but I was able to control my snorts. However, I truly lost it with the eggs and eating friends and family!

    Oh, sweet lady, thank you for the laughter, it seems to be a rare commodity for me these days.

    Have a wonderful weekend.

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  28. I liked your including the anonymous leftovers and how time consuming cooking is! I liked the pictures and always am amused when I come to visit. I have little interest in cooking for myself but sometimes make a batch of something and eat it until I run out. Speaking of which, I do need to go to the store. . . Hmmm.

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      1. Definitely, Donna, a whole other place to create hilarious situations. Also a location with many downfalls, drama and disasters ahead. . . (A little slap happy and got carried away on “D’s”)
        Hope you have a fun springtime, Donna. 😀

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      2. A bit on the wet side so far and I heard a nasty rumour that snow is on the way, but I’m just going to picture Spring-like things. 🙂
        Hope this week is being good to you so far.

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  29. Love your sense of humor. I’m chuckling as I’m trying to type this note of thanks. So much fun meeting you at the blog party…..I think I need to sign up for a newsletter or something…..

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    1. Thank you kindly, glad you enjoyed it.
      Which blog party? And do you have a blog, if so, could you drop back and leave the link so I can find you, all that’s coming up on here is your email.
      Hope this week is treating you well. 🙂

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  30. What a delight! I’m an avid cook and I found your humor and images hilarious! I can relate even though I do love to cook. Hope you keep at it. Eventually, you will find your groove 😊

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    1. I loved to cook, was fairly good at it, well, until medical restrictions, now, my kitchen, sigh, I have no words lol 😉
      Thanks for dropping by, so glad because I found your site and social media, cool. 🙂

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  33. How did I miss THIS? *Glares at WordPress notifications* If it happens again, there will be a beet-down of metric proportions!

    Enjoyed it as always! Thanks for the giggles – you made my evening! 😉

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    1. Many people missed this and many other posts because WordPress is up to it’s old tricks – this time they set some people’s settings to block all email notifications about posts/comments, etc. Check your settings. I wondered why my inbox was suddenly so nice and tidy lol 😉 Glad you got here!!! Always happy to see you, anytime! Hope this week is treating you well. 🙂

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      1. If I want someone else to decide what I should or shouldn’t see, I’ll pop into Facebook. Geeze, why can’t they just leave us in peace? I’ve really gotten tired of all the “data-collecting”, “number-crunching”, and “demographic shifts.” Get a clue, WordPress, get a clue!

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  36. Brilliant post Donna. I especially loved where you compared ‘fast and processed’ food and blogging, lol, so true! We get the satisfaction from the loving ingredients we put in. Happy new week to you. 🙂

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      1. Thank you. I never asked what the D. stands for. You’re not a Dorothy, are you? (Though your remarks are also very clever. Wasn’t Dorothy Parker a great wit?)

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      2. I love Dorothy Parker, one of my earliest inspirations, but no, it’s Donna, yes, as in the Donna Parker murder mysteries (like Nancy Drew but not as famous) from years gone by although my parents swore they hadn’t heard of them, hmmm… 😉

        Liked by 1 person

  43. Brilliant as always Donna.. my favourite scene in Mrs. Doubtfire.. well almost as when she hoovers it is a joy to watch. I am dismayed that I now have to wear my reading glasses to chop as only beetroot dishes should be that colour. I still find joy in the kitchen as I prepare all the fresh produce.. but is it selfish of me to dream of a private chef when I win the lottery… hugs xx

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    1. lol Yes, I keep band-aids in the kitchen drawer, just in case, people are so fussy about the ‘colour’ of their food. 😉
      Ooh, a private chef, or one of those services that deliver food made especially for you. Sigh, aah, to dream.
      Wishing you a wonder-filled week and weekend ahead, dear Sally. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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    1. Ha! Thanks, Rob, how have you been? I feel out of the loop, partly WordPress has been playing tricks and set some folks to block all emails, gee, I wondered why my mailbox was so tidy lol 😉
      Hope this week is treating you well, so far. 🙂

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    1. Thank you so much for the reblog, Rob, I’m so fa behind I’m ahead (my Dad’s joke, never quite sure what it meant but I couldn’t resist his smile that went with it), but despite the delay I do appreciate your kindness. I hope you’re having a week as wonderful as you (not possible, but we can hope). 🙂

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      5. It’s mind boggling.

        I don’t think that what happened in Canada involved hostile interference by an enemy nation and collusion from within your government. As crazy as it sounds, this is what our intelligence agencies say happened.

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  48. Nice one, Donna. I could relate to the Golden Retriever in the kitchen – no idea what the hell I’m doing! Ha ha. Never could cook and have been known to actually make my guests sick (honestly and not as funny). Anyway, I eat healthy food, but it always comes our weird. The poor husband doesn’t complain, or he’d have to take over the cooking. 😀 Have a delicious day!

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  51. Late to your post again, Donna! Always laugh at and love your creativity! Lettuce give you an applause! No kitchen tips…not my fav room in the house! Follow a deprivation diet at my “over 75”
    age! 😞 🎶 Christine

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    1. lol You’re a hoot. A lot of people have been missing a lot since WordPress pulled one of it’s classic moves – it set some bloggers settings to blocking all email from other bloggers. Seriously. I noticed my email was so nice and empty, there was a reason. And I wasn’t the only one.
      Hope this week has been treating you kindly. 🙂

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  52. Loved this! I love cooking and as a person who grew up in Hawai’i my main obsession is making foods from there that you just don’t see in NYC (yeah, poke is the new Starbucks, but there’s more to Hawaiian food than that!). Some of ’em are too complicated but I’m getting more of them! I’m always SO happy when I try something new and it actually comes out. Spam musubi, anyone?

    I think the thing that amazed me the most, though, was when I made my first mozzarella cheese and it actually worked! Incredible (and very yummy)!

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    1. Mmmm, you’re making me drool. I think I’ve had Hawaiian food twice or three times, and my memory is drool-provoking, not a lot of Hawaiian food restaurants up here in Canada either lol 😉
      I haven’t been making cheese lately, I love mozz and I saw an easier recipe for ricotta the other day, got to try. Thanks for dropping by and sharing your foodie thoughts!

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  61. Wow. What a talent! That was brilliant. I can relate to surviving in the kitchen. I bought a new stove a couple of months ago and just today I was wondering if it actually works, lol.

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  65. Hi I saw you over at Jacqueline’s blog and wanted to come by and say Hi and that I love your kitchen post. I don’t cook anymore I used knock myself out in the kitchen but now that everyone is grown and gone I enjoy watching and reading about others. Love this! ~✿~ღ~✿~

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      7. Oh okay. I guess I’ve never done the blog parties I’ve been blogging here for 4 years. Lol 😂 makes me laugh to think I never have seen one till now! Have a beautiful Friday and weekend! 🌼💛

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      11. Any post, old or new and/or social media links or even links to other bloggers. The sky is the limit and drop by anytime, my blogdoor is always open – no time limit on fun! 😉

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  67. My kitchen is so small. How small is it? If someone is in it helping me, we must be on intimate terms, because when we are done cooking, it will be time for a cigarette. It has a lot to do with groping for the ingredients.

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  68. LOVE this! Obviously my favorite clip is from Breakfast at Tiffany’s. And great tips too. Sorry about the garlic and onions though. My son hates both and it is so hard for me to cook without them.

    Thanks for sharing with us on #FridayFrivolity.

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  69. thanks for a fun read. I do enjoy cooking (is there something wrong with me?) my problem is planning. I have a great idea of what to make but of course no ingredients!

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  70. A great read, Donna. I was truly thrilled last night when my 11 year old daughter offered to cook. Well, she didn’t burn the place down, but she smoked the place out frying potatoes and I seriously think my lungs have been trying to recover from smoke inhalation all day. I’ve been feeling quite unwell and thought I was off to emergency last night. I only have 60% lung capacity at the best of times so it doesn’t take much to cause me grief.
    I recently received a service package from the NDIS (national disability insurance scheme) and I’ve gone from receiving 1.5 hours cleaning to 9. It’s made such a difference to the poor house. It doesn’t know what’s hit it. I have also had the girls do some meals but neither could mash potato and they’re not real good.
    As for myself, I don’t plan. Mostly make it up as I go and then send my husband out to fetch missing essential ingredient mid cook. Actually, I don’t do that anymore. I check the ingredients before I start.
    Take care,
    xx Rowena

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  71. Cooking can definitely be an experiment in terror. But I noticed, as I read, that I’m baffled by and jealous of your little soundless videos. I have SO much to learn.

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  72. Pingback: Meet and Greet – May | Chape Personal Trainer

      1. Haha food earplugs 😀 So much fun over on Twitter yesterday, eh?!! You’re adorable. The week here is going well, thanks, and hoping the same for you 🙂

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  75. I really enjoyed this . . . oops, gotta go . . . time to fix dinner. Thank you for linking up at The Blogger’s Pit Stop Link Party. I’m sharing your link on social media.
    Carol (“Mimi”) from Home with Mimi

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