Posted in Blogs, Canada, Chocolate, Christmas, Family, Holidays, Movies, Political, Televison, Uncategorized, Zombies

You Can’t Handle The Blogging Truth!

1halloween40October conjures images of:
Fall leaves, crisp nights… pumpkins and pumpkin spice…Halloween, candy, black cats…sexy Hunger Games costumes, yeah, I’ve stopped asking why at this point…

Apparently, scary is definitely different for different people.

For some scary is:
The dark – where all the known and unknown creep.
Horror movies that make people hide their eyes, but have to peak.
The price of groceries or hydro (both terrifying).
Trying on bathing suits (could turn your hair white).
Dating, parenting, love…
Loss of those we love.
Christmas or any holidays with in-laws.
Elections, wars, politicians.
Loss of cellphone reception (The horror! The horror!).
Running out of chocolate (now that’s horror!).
Liars, vampires, aliens, monsters, sparkly vampires, zombies…

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I started blogging to relax, reignite my love of writing, and to be rich/famous (not necessarily in that order) – 555 posts later, well, two out of three ain’t bad. No one warned it could be so scary!

Life doesn’t come with instructions, we have to grope our way through this at times terrifying funhouse – long strips of goodness, gooey badness, melty magnificence, and squishy horrors – blogging is pretty much the same.

1halloween26It was  a dark and stormy night…Start a blog they said. It’ll be fun they said.

1. You want the blog truth, you can’t handle the blog truth! By the flickering computer light and hum, something wicked this way comes…really, Shakespeare how would thou deal with: endless emails, trolls, glitches, and ghosts in the machine?

2. First, you find your way through the woods (aka the internet) to an old mansion (aka WordPress) where you start your blog. Soon, strange things start happening – stuff moves by itself, stuff disappears, and you find yourself alone, in the dark, and still, you hear the click, click, click of the keyboard…

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3. Come up with a cunning plan, overly elaborate with, as a random example, a dog with a speech impediment; a drug-addled vegetarian with a groovy van; narcissistic metrosexual; frumpy geek girl who needs contacts; and constantly kidnapped drama queen.

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4. Your loved ones look at you oddly as you repeatedly type: All work and no play makes Donna a dull girl…They complain you’re hunched over your shining computer, or using them for…inspiration.

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5. Read aloud from online posts, only to realize, you’ve freed some ancient vengeful Babylonian deity…or worse, a telemarketer! Who you gonna call?

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6. Invited to Bloggers Bash at a spooky mansion, you accept, bloggers are fun, right?

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7. Pop over to Pinterest for a ‘minute’ to find an image or inspiration…later you’re found wandering through the desert and learn you’ve been missing for 7 years and still didn’t find the right meme.

8. Fall asleep at your computer and wake up in a dream where a serial killer is hunting you, or worse, you’ve lost all your followers!

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9. You decide to take a break from writing and take a bath or shower, you know better, but it’s been a long day.

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10. You ask for books to review, but then …One, two, writers are coming for you. Three, four, publishers knock at your door. Five, six, who do you pick? Seven, eight, accept your fate. Nine, ten, never sleep again.

11. You turn to run from the glowing ooze on your keyboard, but there’s a evil clown or worse, housework behind you…your furniture is moving on it’s own, but it’s not getting dusted…Why? Oh why?

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12. Through a series of unfortunate events, you find out your blog is built on an old cemetery and an ancient burial ground where rituals were performed. You could run to another platform, but that’s a lot of work.

13. So I will think of blogging not as a horror movie, but more like a community garden. We all work together to grow something remarkable. There will be ups and downs, but in the end, we’ll all be part of something amazing…as long as nothing comes alive to eat us.

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Posted in Movies, Televison, Uncategorized, Zombies

25 Ways To Stay Alive in a Horror Movie

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2014/03/20/25-ways-to-stay-alive-in-a-horror-movie/1. When you hear a noise down a dark alley, or basement, up in the attic, in the woods, in the shadows, or a cemetery – don’t go to check it out or call out things like “Is anyone there?” or “Who’s there?”. You probably don’t want to know.

2. When confronted by a serial killer or zombie, etc. don’t try to come up with an overly elaborate Scooby-Doo-type plan to kill them. Run away.

3. If you’re in a good hiding space, don’t leave it right away or make a lot of noise. Shhh!

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4. Don’t depend on someone coming to rescue you, they usually get killed.

5. Don’t go all hero and decide you’re going to go and fight the serial killer, zombie, demon, etc. It rarely works and usually ends in death, dismemberment, maiming, or all of the above.

https://yadadarcyyada.com/2014/03/20/25-ways-to-stay-alive-in-a-horror-movie/6. Don’t check into a hotel or motel named:
Bates Motel, The Overlook, Motel Hell, or Pinewood Motel.
Stay off Elm Street, Hanging Hill Lane, or Lucifer Dr.
Don’t go to summer camp at Crystal Lake.
Don’t go to places with names like:
Satan’s Kingdom, Transylvania, Bloody Springs, Silent Hill, Helltown, Amityville, Monster, or Bad Axe (really, it’s scary, trust me, I know) and apparently all small towns in New England have an overabundance of spooky and bad things happening in them, go figure.

7. Not the time for heart-to-heart chats, true confessions, make-out sessions, or arguments – wait until the bad things are gone.

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8. If  loved ones or companions start growling, hissing, have glowing eyes, misshapen features, sudden hairiness, a fascination with blood, this isn’t the time to practice tolerance – run!9. If you get invited to a spooky mansion for a party, don’t go, really, even if it seems cool, skip it.

10. If you see a book of spells or a book of the dead – don’t read aloud from it!

11. If you think you’ve killed a zombie, monster, serial killer, etc. don’t go closer to check if it’s really dead.

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12. Don’t solve puzzles that might open portals to Hell, or loose demons upon the world, bringing about the End of Days, etc. Stick to crosswords.13. Even if you’re really good at it, don’t play with recombinant DNA, actually, especially if you’re really good at it.

14. If you find a town that’s deserted, leave. Leave quickly. But first listen to the old crazy who tells you there’s a curse, or alien invasion, or possession – he’s the last one alive, he knows stuff.

15. Don’t borrow or steal from the dead. Don’t wake the dead. Don’t try to talk to the dead even if you think they might have helpful information. Don’t even think about them. Just don’t.

16. If plants and animals start behaving in an odd or aggressive manner, this is not the time for curiosity.

17. If your children, loved ones or friends start speaking to you in Latin, or ancient Babylonian, or some alien language it’s probably time to run, or get help, or run and get help.

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18. Don’t fall asleep (I got this one covered).19. Don’t try to figure things out or try to investigate. Also don’t go to the authorities, they’re probably already altered in some way, they won’t believe you, or you’ll get them killed.

20. If something is after you run or take a bus. I don’t care how reliable your car is, this time it won’t start or it will take you a long time to start it, or the cab driver will be possessed, or something really, really bad.

21. Even if you think your problems are over, you might want to wait to take a bath or shower.

22. If you find out your house is built on an old cemetery, ancient burial ground, where they use to perform rituals or sacrifices, or some other bad stuff, cut your losses, or get a really good supernatural real estate agent.

23. Always ask why a piece of real estate is so cheap and no one else wants it.

24. Whether you’re on an alien planet or Earth, stay away from: giant eggs, glowing things, ooze, furniture that moves on its own, scary clowns, TVs that lead to other worlds, hockey masks, machetes, chain saws, cabins in the woods, creatures, etc. And don’t wander around on your own or go looking for someone.

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25. This is the most important one: good shoes. No heels, no slippery soles, no untied laces. You are going to be running. Yes, you still might fall as they chase you, but your odds are better if you have good shoes.

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Good luck…and don’t split up!