Posted in Canada, Chocolate, Internet, Movies, Uncategorized

A Singular Girl’s Guide To Life

1funny753As a girl you grow up being taught so many things, but many girls aren’t taught how to be single, better yet, singular, or even better, singularly spectacular.  I’m pretty sure this goes for boys as well.

One of the big things looming over a single person is dating. The mysteries of the ages look simple compared to dating. Dating is so complex there are times you don’t even know you’re on a date, in fact, you could be on a date right now. And actually getting a date, that’s more complicated than doing your taxes and most often, less fun.

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Dating keeps getting weirder…texting, online dating (did they just match me up with my ex?), sexting, digital fantasies – are we dating or on a sci-fi reality show? And what’s with The Bachelor? If I wanted to date a guy who was dating lots of other women at the same time I would have stayed in the music scene. No, I don’t accept your rose, I don’t know where it’s been.

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  • Be ready to let it go. Hypothetically let’s say you and another person manage to agree to see each other, at a specific time and place, not virtually, but the date isn’t going well. He endlessly checks his phone, explains how women who like chocolate are emotionally constipated, tells stories about his spawn-of-Satan-horns-and-all ex (still married, just a technicality, really, we’re waiting until after the baby is born to divorce), the time he was in prison (a complete misunderstanding), asks to see your toes, and then he says, “Hey, I missed you,” when you came back from the washroom. You start looking for exits and wondering why you didn’t take the money you spent on hair, clothes, and make-up for the date and buy lottery tickets; the odds are ever in your favour. In a desperate attempt to save the date, you try to find common ground, only to discover it’s more like quicksand.

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  • Be the change you want to see in the date. Don’t think of a bad date as a disaster (that word is reserved for when your plane goes down, the volcano you’re climbing erupts, or you learn they’re discontinuing your favourite ice cream flavour), think of it as a learning opportunity. Do a forensic exam of the date. It might have gone better if you hadn’t talked about your extreme obsession with Daryl Dixon (not Norman Reedus, Daryl Dixon), or the hilarious time you put laxatives in your ex’s coffee, or enthused about the TV show, Say Yes to The Dress and how you can’t wait to be on it, or told your date his haircut makes him look like Charles Manson. But who can really pin down the exact moment where things went wrong?

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  • Be the date. Visualize how you want the date to go. You want to charm your date. Be urbane and witty, your eyes should sparkle like diamonds, your hair should catch the light as your toss it casually over your shoulder (not too close to the candlelight or it will actually catch on fire).

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  • Be who you want to date. Think about it, if you want your date to be interesting and fun, be that yourself. If you want your date to be a bad boy type who may run guns on the weekend and is wiping his fingerprints from all the silverware and glasses he uses on the date, be that yourself (oh, don’t forget to take your napkin, they can do wonders with DNA nowadays).

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  • Be your own date. If dating is getting you down, take a break. Learn how to be a singularly spectacular person on your own. Take yourself out to dinner without reading or checking your cellphone, instead, watch the people (not in a creepy-the-management-has-to-ask-you-to-leave-and-puts-your-picture-up-so-you-can’t-come-back way); appreciate the meal and me time. Take yourself to the movie, but if you’re still on the lookout for Mr. Right even when spending time alone, I don’t recommend Magic Mike XXL, the gents in the audience will be more into Channing Tatum than you.

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Being a singular person is about being you, in all situations, so get out there and be your own party.

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Posted in Family, Internet, Movies, Political, Televison, Uncategorized

Glory Days

1funny693When was the last time a shark tried to have you as snack, or you were chased by a tiger, or kidnapped by aliens?

The scariest thing we usually face these days are: weather, bad customer service, horrible drivers, the internet, our own poor choices, and uncertainty.

Because of the rush and roar of society people feel like everything is a big deal…hint hint, not really true.

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1. Social media is designed to offend, like a raging tornado it hits people with so many different points of view, beliefs, feelings – it actually has to offend someone. So hunker down and give yourself a protective barrier it can tear away first. Stay safe.

2. Critical thinking helps us survive and thrive, makes us stay on our feet when trying to escape a mob or drop to the ground to crawl out during a fire. Doesn’t mean you can’t be positive, but be positively prepared.

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3. Bills, weather, time, money, love, life, death, illness, even worrying about what you say or do. You can’t please everyone, even on a good day. Worry is passive and you still have to move forward.

4. You get into bad situations, whether it be with overindulging in food, drink, gambling, anger, getting lost in the woods, swimming into shark-infested waters, investing in the wrong thing, etc. You can beat yourself up, wallow, get eaten, or you can figure out which way is out of the woods with a stick and the sun, punch the sharks in the nose and swim for it, or pick yourself up, dust yourself off, accept responsibility and don’t put your picnic blanket on a fire ant hill again. I always say, don’t worry about falling, there’s no time limit on getting back up.

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5. You believed when you shouldn’t have believed; perhaps you walked into a dark cave even when you heard growling because you read it was full of pirate’s gold. Humans should be skeptical, it’s a survival instinct. We’ve all fallen for things, for people. The internet is a seething mass of bizarre WTF moments. Being skeptical isn’t bad, it’s what kept us alive for thousands of years.

6. You wanted to believe that family, friends, government, corporations, etc. had your best interests at heart, but sometimes your life turns into a made-for-TV movie and you can’t change the channel. At times there are happy endings, other times it’s Murder, She Wrote – just make sure you’re Jessica Fletcher and figure out who are the good guys and whodunit.

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7. You stayed too long and put up with too much; you feel crushed, less, you’re questioning yourself. It’s not too late to remember that underneath those bootprints, you’re still you.

8. You see now your dreams were too big. You get lost in the mall, how could you explore the Amazon? You can barely stay focused on reading a book, how could you write one? You feel sick on at the top of a ferris wheel, how can you climb Mount Everest? Dreams sometimes have to be tweaked or modified, but it doesn’t mean they can’t come true, on some level.

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9. You got comfy, you settled, you forgot to be grateful, well, not forgot so much as put it to the back of your mind. Then you’re being confronted by a giant bear in the backyard and suddenly you’re very grateful for the walls, doors, and the phone to call for help.

10. You’ve been down so long you don’t remember your way up or the ladder is gone. Use your MacGyver skills to fashion a ladder out of dust balls (thank goodness you didn’t have time to sweep last week), a stick of gum, hair, and some spit, then climb out.

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Sometimes when you’re attacked, even by life you’ve got to smash it’s ears with both hands, kick it in the knee or the groin and run, but other times you have to understand, life is just trying to wake you up – it sure does a good job of that some days. Gee, thanks life.

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Posted in Books, Canada, Family, Internet, Movies, Political, Televison, Uncategorized

What Doesn’t Kill You Makes You Stranger?

1funny450I don’t think I fully understand the phrase, “the unexpected virtue of ignorance”.

I also don’t fully get, “That which does not kill us, makes us stronger”. Really? Does it? And does this clichéd Nietzsche quote apply to information as well?

Not knowing things can make us happier, but is ignorance really bliss, or just the illusion of bliss? Knowing stuff we don’t want to know could make us stronger, though, I wonder, would that make us consciously or unconsciously seek out or create adversity, to give us something to feel strong about, as we search for something to make us feel that we matter, or that we even exist.

Hmmm, perhaps all this deep pondering arose from watching the gracefully snarling interpretation of celebrities and society in Birdman or (The Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance). Michael Keaton was nothing short of epic as an actor who once had everything, but made problems in his life to make himself feel relevant. Everyone in the film, his daughter, partner, friend, fellow actors, critics, fans were all seeking their own relevance while trying to ignore the consequences of being relevant.

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I suppose the unexpected virtue of ignorance is that not knowing things allows you to believe whatever you want to believe. For example, I believe:

1. Things I think will take 5 minutes often take 10.

2. I’m mystified and weirdly impressed that in this busy world people still seem to find plenty of time to pass judgment on others.

3. Labels, on clothes or people must be understood to be used properly.

4. There are countless ways to die, turns out, you can’t avoid all of them.

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5. My book of life might have a misprinted answers section.

6. If it seems too good to be true…read the first part of the sentence again, I wish I had.

7. Yes, the truth is out there, but we don’t always recognize it.

8. Some days you’re the seagull, other days you’re the coat.

9. The Earth has been here for billions of years. It doesn’t need humans, it’ll be fine without us, can we say the same?

10. The Secret is…they sold a lot of books by saying there was a Secret.

11. Even if someone offers you a lot of money, don’t build an amusement park with cloned dinosaurs, seriously…except if Jeff Goldblum will be there, yes, I’m that shallow.

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12. You’re not going to need a bigger boat, just a smaller shark.

13. Media and even social media seem to care more about when an actor dies than alive children being beaten, starved, raped, or used as slaves…to be fair, those children never played Saruman, Count Dooku, or Dracula. RIP Christopher Lee, but let’s have some perspective.

14. It’s awkward when someone asks you how you are and you forget they don’t really want to know.

15. That people used to take drugs to make the world look stranger, and now they take drugs to make the world look less strange.

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16. All the world’s a stage and I can’t afford an acting coach.

17. You’re not responsible for anyone else’s happiness. People may tell you, in many ways, you are…you’re not.

18. People say love is all you need; oxygen’s still my number #1.

19. I wouldn’t mind being poor, if I just had more money to do it with.

20. Sometimes that light at the end of the tunnel is a huge truck whose driver is texting…sigh.

21. Some people will believe just about anything they see on the internet is true, but if you post a ‘Wet Paint’ sign, they’ll have to touch it to make sure it’s actually wet paint.

22. Last but never least, I believe you should enjoy the here and now…

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Posted in Blogs, Books, Canada, Doctor Who, Fibromyalgia, Internet, Movies, Music, Televison, Uncategorized

To Blog or Not To Blog

1funny452I have always been me and despite many attempts to make me not me, I still seem to manage to be me.

That’s not always a good thing.

Read some of my stuff, comment, critique, praise, ignore, puzzle, or just do whatever you want.

That’s my blog bio…everything else you’ll learn in my posts or you don’t care.

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Every time I think I understand, even vaguely, how the world works, it tilts on its axis, spinning me right round, baby right round, like a record. Turns out, the blogging world is no different. Like everyone else on the planet (that might be a slight exaggeration, overstatement was never my strong suit), I have a blog. If I had a cat it would have a blog about sleeping, eating, and occasionally chasing a mouse lurking around the property. The mouse would have a blog about his adventures trying to escape the cat that bothers him while he’s trying to lurk around the property. And so on.

August 2013,  I started this blog to relax, to practice writing, and to be more concise, with varying degrees of success. My Very Me-ness doesn’t always translate well, but no need to worry (hear that brain, no need to worry…forget it, it’s not listening), I’ve been embraced by readers, bloggers, etc. and I feel snug as a bug in a virtual rug.

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Blogging has been difficult in many ways, but has made me fall in love with writing again, which guided me to start a year-long project to add even more happiness (Or contentment? Peace of mind?) to my life.

I more or less doubled my 7 goals in my first week https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/06/03/dont-worry-be-happy/, even giving up 4 TV shows, but then I added 2, drum roll please, ok, I really only gave up 2 (math rules!).

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This week’s goals:
1. Remove 15 minutes or more of screen time per day and play a game with my son (I want chess, he wants Pokémon, maybe we need a Pokémon chess set).
2. Remove 100 calories per day (No cheating, it can’t be veggies…Step away from the cookies).
3. Remove 15 minutes or more of screen time per day and just write, doesn’t matter what.
4. Remove 15 minutes or more per day of sitting time (replace with Yoga and Tai Chi).
5. Spend 15 minutes or more per day submitting articles and manuscripts, especially knowing they might be rejected.
6. Change 15 minutes of internet time to relaxation and rest.
7. Give away, use, or get rid of 1 or more items a day.

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1funny433Blogging myths busted and wisdom learned:

1. Blogging is solitary. Wrong. Blogging, my friends, is social and addictive, like sugar, and as the song by Maroon 5 says (I’ve tried to get it out of my head, believe me), I need a little sweetness in my life, your sugar, yes, please!

2.You need to have something to say to have a blog. How snotty and daft was that assumption? Everyone has something to say.

3. Blogging is simple. Wrong again, complicated, yet worth it, despite the intricacies that sometimes make you feel like your head might explode. Mistakes have been made and more shall be made; it’s all part of learning.

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4. Success! I thought I needed to be a world-famous writer, then I saw comments that said I’d made people laugh, smile, and think. Anything else that comes along would be the icing on this delicious, chocolatey cake of a blog experience thanks to you, dear readers.

5. Blogging is constant. Wrong. As with life, the only thing you can count on in blogging is change.
For example, I believe the WordPress motto is: If it ain’t broke, fix it a few times a day.
Twitter seems to have a midlife crisis every few weeks and I don’t know what happened to Facebook.
There are: trolls, traffic, topics, taboos, privacy issues, time, concentration…what was I saying? Oh yes, so the question today is, to blog or not to blog?
For now, the answer is…why not?

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Posted in Canada, Environment, Family, Food, Internet, Movies, Uncategorized

The Internet Has Spoken

1funny301I feel like I’m drifting away.

Connection is such a tenuous thing, physically or emotionally. You want to connect, to trust, but how do you know when the connection is toxic, or failing, or broken?

Each day, I try to tiptoe around the world for as long as I can, but the internet has made this challenging.

It’s a Catch-22, if I don’t connect to the internet I drift apart from the world, but if I connect to the internet, I’m bombarded with stuff : news, ads, studies, misery and success, and just, well, stuff.

Page after page, link after link of:

  • People with diseases and those pretending to have diseases, really? Pretending to have a disease? Stuns me every time.

  • Finding life on other planets – shouldn’t we concentrate on keeping what little intelligent life we have on Earth first?

  • What’s getting deflated? Definitely not the egos of athletes!

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  • Governments lying to us again…still?

  • Bragging, boasting, whining, complaining, rudeness, trolls and trouble.

  • Turtles and snakes in toilets, transformed food, books, social media, movies, cats, TV, music, royalty, and endless things going viral we won’t remember next week.

  • Riots, wars, conflicts, comets, poverty, abuse, slavery, rape, murder, mutant ants, fires, biker wars, shootings, floods, terrorism, volcanic eruptions, killer bees, public shaming, teachers having sex with students (in the wise words of Pink Floyd, Hey! teachers! leave the kids alone!)…1funny304

  • Hoaxes, scams, and stunts, aarrgghhh, my head is spinning!

  • NSA, CIA, IRS, CSIS, OMG, ISIS, UFO, LOL, NASA, it might be fun to stay at the YMCA, if we weren’t drowning in abbreviations.

  • Studies explaining things they think I should know, like: food, drinking, sleeping, the environment, politics, parenting. I figured out parenting, at first you’re disoriented, exhausted, scared to say or do the wrong thing, a bit like being abducted by aliens, then you realize, they’re adorable aliens, like ET and then, they have you, you have X-Files Stockholm Syndrome and you can’t get enough…or wait, is that politics, not parenting?

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  • Ads and commercials for things we don’t need, but apparently should want more than breathing.

  • And remember when we only knew a little about celebrities and their lives? I miss that.1funny283

Remember in Poltergeist, where the eldest daughter is standing in the street screaming, “What’s happening?!?”sometimes, that’s me, inside my head.1funny331

Don’t get me wrong, despite my woes, I’m happy to wake up alive every morning, as opposed to waking up dead, which is most inconvenient and usually alters your plans, not only for the day, but the foreseeable future. Yet I’m struggling, dear readers, to find a balance between using technology and being consumed by it. I suppose it’s the same with any relationship, you need boundaries, compromise and…

1. Mutual respect. If you’re feeling bad when using the internet, take some time away, explore other interests.

2. Independence. If you depend on it for everything, it’s likely to let you down one way or another.

3. Dreams. Does it inspire you to write that novel you’ve always talked about writing, talk to an old friend, travel, try new things, explore, take a chance…dream?

Perhaps sometimes you have to drift to make connections; strong connections, not overpowering ones.

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Posted in Awards, Blogs, Books, Canada, Cats, Chocolate, Internet, Uncategorized

I Can’t Make You Love Me

1blog70It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a woman in possession of a blog, must be in want of readers.

For some, blogs take off faster than a Nascar driver chasing after sponsorship, for most others, like me, it’s a slow ride…

I know some of the reasons it’s been a slow ride, I’ve broken the first rule of The Blog Club, don’t talk about The Blog Club, no, that’s not it, oh yes, find a niche. Never have, probably never will. I figure if I get bored, you will too.

To me, giving blogging advice is like trying to explain to someone how to: dance, paint, drive, or make love in a canoe. Sometimes you just have to do it and make the mistakes, have the close calls, possibly tip over at the most inopportune moment.

When asked my blogging advice I offered https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/04/10/im-hooked-on-a-feeling/

 …but with a rebel yell you cried more, more, more…so here goes:

1. Choose a name for your blog. I didn’t know this was important when I choose mine. Live and learn.

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2. Size matters, but it’s more about how you use it, mind out of the gutter, I’m taking about post size. Remember, it doesn’t matter how much they love your posts, your readers have lives.

3. Try to use images that work with your post. Adding a random picture of an adorable kitten just to suck up to the cats who run the internet might be smart, but come on, who does that?

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4. Don’t get too stressed about the numbers, like right now, most numbers seem down on WordPress, who knows why? First, I blamed the Royal baby, but Princess Charlie is just too awfully cute. Then Mayweather/Pacquiao fight, Mother’s Day, elections, weather, labour unrest, but in the end I had to admit the truth – it’s WordPress. They probably changed their algorithms, come on, they’re always changing something, so statistically (and they love stats), it has to be them.

5. Poofread, er, proofread or get someone else to (and you can always correct it afterwards). We all make mistakes.

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6. I can’t make you love me, well, actually, my posts, but one of the best parts about blogging is connecting with your readers and other bloggers, without all of you, what’s the point? Like everything else, sometimes you have to take someone’s hand and other times, offer yours.

7.  It’s not a race or a contest. Don’t worry if  a post is going to go viral, or get Freshly Pressed https://yadadarcyyada.com/2015/03/26/why-i-will-never-be-freshly-pressed/ or be nominated for awards, or making you rich and famous. Take a deep breath. Right now is about right now.

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8. Blogging advice can be confusing, here’s the problem, what I think is terribly catchy and clever might not be to others. Obviously I think I’m writing something good, otherwise why would I publish it? Do what you want to do.

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9. To be a shameless self-promoting bloghussy like me or not to be, that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous rejection while promoting on social media….aye, there’s the rub. I like Twitter, Tumblr and Pinterest, but Facebook just lays there like a mouldy, old ad-filled sock. 

10. Don’t worry about if you’re going to offend someone, it’s the internet, someone is always, and I mean always, offended. Always.

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Who am I kidding? I have no idea what works. I’ve poured my heart out and had the post sit there, alone, shivering like the last leaf on a tree before winter. Just do what you feel is right, in the famous words of those sage philosophers, Cheap Trick, “Surrender, Surrender, but don’t give yourself away”.

What about you, dear readers, what would be your best blogging advice?

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Posted in Internet, Music, Parenting, Political, Televison, Uncategorized

You Can’t Always Get What You Want

1funny191You can’t always get what you want. The Rolling Stones and parents have been telling us this for years, but they’re not all leading by example. The Stones at least qualified by saying, if you try sometimes…you might get what you need.

I was in a store the other day where a teeny-weeny tornado of a child, innocuously dressed in pink, yet she may well have been the spawn of something evil that came from the bowels of a very toasty place, was screaming at the top of her lungs that she wanted something. I believe it was a doll of some kind, but it was hard to tell as her words flowed together in one raging howl. Spittle flew from her small bow lips and her Dora clasped pigtails bobbed wildly as her neck precariously thrashed her tiny head back and forth in classic Exorcist style as she raged against the injustice of not having this toy. 1funny203
The mother seemed to be holding firm until the volume of the pink virago threatened to shatter glass and then she did something unbelievable, that mother smiled, patted her banshee’s little blonde head and handed her the package, saying they should go pay for it before they went to get lunch at McDonald’s.

I stood, wavering between a slow motion ‘No-o-o-o-o-o-o!’, a facepalm, or standing mouth agape, doing my best impression of a codfish, as I realized the happy silence from the smiling little blonde angel was more deafening than her wailing.

I guess if you scream loud enough and in just the right way, you can always get what you want.1funny196
Make no mistake, adults are not exempt from tantrums, we just have them in different ways. We still want what we want when we want it and we want it now!

Our wants often yell louder than our needs. It’s why we date the wrong people, elect the wrong leaders, buy too much, spend too much time on the internet, lie, steal, cheat, overeat, and even make some Shameless poor choices, ok, most aren’t up to the Gallagher family, but our wants are that little blonde girl and our better judgment is that mother.1funny207
It’s easy to be so focused on the moment and forget, you shouldn’t be frothing at the mouth to get something.

Is this willingness to give in, to give free rein to our angry little want tantrums why so many people, even biologically adult people say life is unfair and that they hate their life? Life isn’t fair. Who told you it was? You hate their life. How is that even possible? No, you hate something that is happening in, or to your life. There are things I hate about my life, but I don’t hate my life. See the difference?1funny193
Yes, the bubblegum raging harridan also hated her life, because she couldn’t have a toy. Wow, red flashing lights for a massive overstatement, please file this under First World Problems.

A child in a refugee camp shivering, scared, and hungry may think she hates her life, but she really hates the situation. A child in a war zone may think he hates his life, but he really hates the effects of war. People in Nepal may feel they hate their life as they reel from the effects of a devastating earthquake, but hating your life over a toy? What’s the name of the doll, Sindy Shallow?

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We should think about how much we have, not just about how much we want to have.

What exactly are we wishing for here, a world where everyone has everything? Then what would you wish for?

Keep wishing, keep dreaming, sometimes it’s the best part of a bad day.1funny189