“There is no point in using the word ‘impossible’ to describe something that has clearly happened.” === Douglas Adams
It happened and I let it happen. Not once, twice, or thrice, but over and over again. As impossible as it seemed, I let my life, wait, “let” seems too passive, I actively participated in the over-complication of my life.
Oh, I told myself I was simplifying. I did all the “right” things. I organized, sorted, classified, tidied, de-cluttered…tried to keep only things that sparked joy.
Yet my life felt like I was just moving round those deck chairs on the “Titanic” (there was room on the board for Jack, Rose, remember, never let go?).
Then complications, on tiny clawed feet creep, whether or not I leave them a treat…
1. First stage of grief – denial. In denial my life was that complicated. Ihad balls in the air, juggling like a clown; I like helping people laugh (I’m a bit of a Joker), but clowns wear too much make-up, for mypersonal taste.
“Simplification” always means removing stuff, right? Usually, but not always, sometimes it means: adding, switching, modifying, adapting, accommodating, changing, rethinking, reclassifying, redistributing…a whole lot of re-ing.
2. Next, I hit a wall of pain and guilt.
Yup, those flying “Whys” hit like me like a sock full of pennies. “Why was I so sick?” “Why couldn’t I get better?” “Why me?” “Why?”
3. Anger (Envy?) and Bargaining. “So many people don’t appreciate: their health, their life, the good people and things; why do they have so much of things they don’t appreciate?”
“Whoever may be out, let’s strike a bargain, what do you want to make this better?”
4. Depression/Reflection/Loneliness. “I’m worthless.” “I’m a drain.” “I’m a burden.” Breaks into a chorus of “All by Myself” while fighting her own hand reaching for the cookies.
5. The upward turn. “I can do this.” “I can find even more resources.” “I can find more people who understand.”
“I can help myself.” “I can push even harder.” “I’m pretty amazing.”
6. Reconstruction and working through.When I said it wasn’t all about de-cluttering, it was a big part because…sigh,
I’m a fantastic bargain snifferhunterstalkerpredator shopper.
Brand names for dirt cheap, price/ad matching, coupons/freebies, sales…long story short, had (insert understatement here) more stuff than I realized. More than half of the more is gone now.
Bumped up my phone plan cause counting seconds wasn’t saving my brain and I was missing stuff and things.
Got more medical resources.
Watched stuff that made me smile and think and not think and lot of giggling: “Knives Out”,“Chilling Adventures of Sabrina”, “Fleabag”, “The Walking Dead”, “The Good Place”, “Virgin River”, “Lost”, “Grace and Frankie” (want to know if a veteran actor/actress is alive, watch this), “The Orville”, “Jack Ryan”, “SNL”, “Joker”, “Lost In Space”, “Spiderman: Far From Home”, “Marriage Story”, “Glitch”, “The Expanse”, and thank you kindly to Netflix for Season 2 of “You”…You know I like to watch.
Unplugged from social media more; it’s a learning curve of an addiction.
7. Acceptance and hope. Now more organized, but with the understanding things pop up to: disrupt, disturb and displace the calm and toss things into the chaos realm.
Hopefully the extra measures I have taken with my “aggressive simplification” will be enough to keep the monsters of chaos at bay.
There’s no linear path to anywhere or anything, it’s all wibbly wobbly, up and down, round and round.
Most living things grieve, in different ways. We grieve those we’ve loved and lost, friendships, connections, community, hope, opportunities, time, health, jobs, dreams…
I predict complications and chaos will continue, but instead of thinking (or overthinking it, thank goodness I never ever ever ever, did I mention ever, do that!) of it all as a catastrophe, think of it as a chance to learn.