Posted in Family, Internet, Uncategorized, Weight

Thinking Out Loud

Posted on by D. Parker

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I was never particularly a girlie-girl, despite my mother’s valiant attempts.
You know the drill, cute, bright dresses and outfits (my Mom sewed), sometimes sleeping with curlers or rags in my long chestnut hair, and of course, hair decorations and thingamabobs (bows, ribbons, and remember that yarn in our pigtails?).
It didn’t take.
I wasn’t exactly a tomboy either.
Just a girl, who grew, slowly, into a woman.
My favourite colour now is black (yes, I’m aware it’s not actually a colour; black objects absorb all the colours of the visible spectrum and reflect none of them to the eyes, but humour me). My hair is a sexy (sure, ok) bob, though enduring the awkward process of growing out decades of hair dye. Not a ribbon or bow in sight.

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My friends were an intriguing mixture of girlie and not-so-girlie, but we all had one thing in common, we were obsessed with one thing: numbers. Bra size. When we got our first period. How long each period was. How many days between periods. Weight. Height. Phone numbers. How many boys you’d kissed, or wanted to kiss, or who wanted to kiss you.
Oh yes, and occasionally grades in school slipped into that all important number cluster. It was all a numbers game.

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From this angle, at this age, those numbers now seem adorable.
Reaching numbers in the 40s or 50s? You might as well have said I’d be driving a flying car, or getting my supper from a food replicator.
Those numbers were Sci-Fi.
Now they’re Non-Fiction.

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For decades I’ve ridden the roller-coaster of confidence.
High up, I throw my hands in the air, tasting the ripe plum of thrills; believing I’d made the right choice…knowing I could do anything I put my mind to.

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Big bro was stylin’ too.

Then racing down, down, down to  uncertain, overwhelmed, unsure.
My brain screaming, even if it never reaches my lips.
The sense that I could achieve being mercilessly pummeled by doubt.
Fear whipping cruelly at my hair.
Procrastination punching relentlessly at my gut.
The bar that should be protecting me from falling instead holds me in.
I chase challenges, but crash, tumble, fail to engage. The risks are too big. Too scary.
What if I disappoint?
What if I impress and can’t do it again?

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Does everyone ride this roller-coaster, or do they ride the Ferris wheel, a perfect circle of confidence, around and around? Maybe they’re just better at faking it.

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Groovy Christmas morning with Mrs. Beasley!

I don’t want to be the heroine or the victim in my story, just the writer. The writer who has snacks. Tasty snacks. Maybe a comfy chair or couch. And the ability to share her story.

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A writer and her tasty snacks.

The internet has helped spread that story. I love the internet, it connects people in ways never, ever imagined. And if you don’t have anyone to argue with, just express an opinion then…wait. And watch some cat videos.

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A feeling of lassitude, tedium, ennui grips me. The usual stuff isn’t doing it for me. I have battled the demons of depression and anxiety, unashamed; their claws rake at me, their teeth snap at me, bloody, but not broken, I go on.

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This seems like something else, could it be boredom? I hope not. Not my best state. It’s destructive. Causing zoning out, not caring, not engaging, or looking for routes to relieve that boredom, usually with negative consequences.

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Boredom doesn’t have to always be bad. It can cause ignition. Spark. My boredom doesn’t feel like a visit from apathy, or its twin, indifference.

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I’m not feeling particularly restrained or confined, no more than usual.

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I feel thoughts wandering to ways to ease this blanket of boredom. So could this be the searching type of boredom? Looking for something. Open to new possibilities, positive changes? Could anticipation, expectation be masquerading as boredom?

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My Grandma would’ve said I should pull up my bootstraps. But what if those straps are so worn, so frayed…just about to snap? She’d probably tell me to dig deeper and pull harder. I’m trying, Grandma.

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First and last time I looked like a bride.

Each person that crosses your path, friend or foe or otherwise, teaches you something. But what? That you should meet fewer people? Or the person that crossed your path, the person that taught you the most, should have been you. Maybe it was. Is. Should be.

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Author:

Very me

196 thoughts on “Thinking Out Loud”

    1. Me too, I think, but I wish I could just feel it more often. 🙂
      Thanks for stopping by, Suzie, hope this weekend treats you kindly.
      See you on your Twitter #SundayBlogShare and I’m sure before that on your amazing blog! 🙂

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  4. Dear Donna, you’ve often impressed me with your posts… but this might be your most eloquent narrative of all. Plus I loved all the photos of yester-you. OMG I had forgotten all about those Mrs Beasley dolls. I didn’t get one but I remember them and the show and all the characters. (Always wished I had my own Sebastian Cabot.) I’ve enjoyed this Friday morning stroll with you. Mega hugs my friend.

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    1. Teagan, thank you for that, it means so much, you of all people understand eloquence. 🙂
      As for the photos, glad you liked them, I think my Mom gave up playing with dolls a tad too early. lol 😉
      I loved Mrs. Beasley…then my brother started playing SuperGrandma with her – he used her apron as a cape and she lost a finger, then my cat, George (named after Curious George) chewed her glasses to bits. She was well-loved and well-played with by all. 😉 I did love ‘Family Affair’ and I too wanted my own Sebastian Cabot. I was kind of concerned about watching that show again, what if it didn’t hold up, but I did and it does. This episode you offered was cool.
      Thanks so much, dear friend for spending a bit of your Friday morning with me. 🙂
      Mega Buffy, Jody, Cissy, Uncle Bill, Mr French, and Mrs. Beasley hugs

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  6. I love this post! I have a theory that bloggers share some very distinctive qualities. Qualities that come from experiencing life from a slightly different viewpoint than everyone else. I’m certainly not the “girlie-girl” in my circle, but I enjoy my feminine side in more artistic ways. I think boredom,and anxiety come with having a higher I.Q. (“ignorance is bliss”) that allows you to think about things from every aspect outside of the usual spectrum. The very concept has my mind spinning out of control. I believe that we are our greatest teachers, but the lessons would not exist without the personal touches of everyone else’s experiences. Thanks for the thought provoking share. G-uno

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    1. Those are excellent theories. And I think you’re very right, we are our best teachers, but like with all teachers, we have to pay attention and often, that’s the toughest part. 🙂 Hope this week treats you kindly. 🙂

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  7. This post hits on something we all can relate to in various forms – the roller coaster of confidence, self-doubt, and occasional boredom, as if to say ‘this is it?’

    Happy Weekend, Donna. If you’re on the roller coaster, I hope you’re on the bright-and-shiny part 🙂

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      2. I know, I just saw the weather forecast, heard words like Polar Vortex and I was like one of those cartoon characters when their eyes pop out of their heads. Noooooo! I’m enjoying the warm and shoes (no boots) way way too much!

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  8. I can definitely relate, too…especially with the doubt and the wondering and the boredom…

    I guess the best thing about making mistakes and learning from it is that we do become more wise…or at least informed.

    I hope you don’t mind this, but you were an adorable child. 🙂 So you didn’t take to the girlie-ness,,,you were so sweet. 🙂

    You’re still a sweet adult, and it shows you have learned a lot by the way you write. Thank you so much for being brave and sharing. 🙂

    And hang in there. My bootstraps feel pretty weak at times, too…hopefully shoemaking elves come along and tighten them up? 🙂

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    1. That’s true and I always find mistakes teach me a lot more than doing something the right way or even well. Mistakes we dwell on and think about, when we do something ell we barely think about it.
      Thank you, I liked to have fun. Awww, thanks, that means a lot, so kind of you to say. 🙂
      Oh, oh, are there shoemaking elves to fix our bootstraps, that would be lovely! 😉
      Hope this weekend treats you well…and let me know when the elves visit, put in a good word for me. 😉

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      1. Education calls it “the teachable moment,” not just for the student but also for the instructor, when something doesn’t go according to plan. I don’t like that it’s become somewhat of a catch phrase, because it’s really true. When we do something well, we feel, “great, there’s that done,” and move on. You’re right, if there are hiccups or downright potholes, we think a lot more about what to do in the possible next time, and what we learned from the experience.

        Never seen the elves myself, but I’ll keep hoping… And send them your way if I do. 😉

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  11. Beautiful start to Poetry Month, Donna! Love this, especially as I’m obsessed with many of these questions. I’m grateful that these are questions and observations, rather than solutions, because we spend so much of our time asking “how to” get rid of such feelings, and not enough on the “why” or even, “why not?”. A special thanks for the last paragraph. I can’t tell you why, but I needed to read that today. I’m gonna write it down and save it!

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  13. I’ve come to the conclusion that most people are hiding their lack of confidence and those that aren’t are just too stupid to notice that their self-confidence is built on sand.

    That Gloria Swanson picture is more than a little scary.

    My favourite colour is pink. There is nothing wrong with pink.

    You had some very strange friends. We most definitely did not discuss that kind of thing as teenagers or as anything else. Everyone should be repressed and English; it serves you well in later life.

    Thank you for another great post.

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    1. Very possibly. 🙂
      True, she was intense.
      As long as you like it that’s the important part.
      Must be different here in Canada. 😉
      Very welcome and thanks for dropping by, hope this weekend treats you well. 🙂

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  14. Could relate to this, still can some days

    “My Grandma would’ve said I should pull up my bootstraps. But what if those straps are so worn, so frayed…just about to snap?”

    I never had a Mrs. Beasley but I had a Chrissy Doll

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      1. Yes, long smooth reddish brown hair that you could make ‘grow’ or shorten it. Sadly I cut it off one day to see if it would grow .

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  16. Personally, I think culturalization drives us all into a bell curve of insanity. Over the centuries, women have been subjugated by things such as foot binding and corsets. But what about mind-binding?

    Very few woman I have known can look into a mirror and NOT see a flaw. Most of us work a lot harder because we never feel that what we do is good enough.

    A woman can’t drown in the “Gulf of Not Good Enough” for long before her self-image is flushed down that toilet. If she’s fortunate, someone will come by with a life preserver (an excellent therapist) who can educate her and help her to talk through it.

    Yes, I remember my parents saying, “You have to pull yourself up by your boot straps.” I once asked my mother, “What if you don’t have any boots?” The pat answer was that it was just a saying about people who were too lazy to pull themselves out of bad situations. When hormones (like thyroid) are out of whack, and there are short circuits in the brain, all the bootstraps in the world can’t help. These are things our parents never understood, not out of malice but out of their upbringing, and it skewed our perspective of life.

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    1. It is sad what women and people in general have to live up to when sometimes it’s impossible or not even necessary.
      I think the expression about bootstraps came from a time when that’s all they had to deal with their issues. Hopefully now we have a better understanding and more resources.
      Hope this weekend treats you kindly. 🙂

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  17. Following from the Blogger’s Pit Stop.

    I was a girly-girl. Some of that was by design. When I started grade school, girls were not allowed to wear jeans or trousers of any kind. As I got older, of course, that changed. Today I live in jeans and have like one dress in my closet. And that’s ok.

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    1. Aren’t all the ladies over at The Blogger’s Pit Stop awesome? They really know how to perk up our Friday and their links are a virtual blogging goldmine. I’m popping back there later. So glad you found me and now we can virtually visit often. 🙂
      You have me beat on the dress. 😉
      Hope this weekend treats you kindly. 🙂

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  18. Great post – sorry you’re struggling so right now! I was emailing a friend that I just don’t have it in me to blog and she had the best response, but apparently I deleted the email so now I can’t share those beautiful words with you – and so yeah, I have no words of encouragement on my own! LOL But, it’s Friday, maybe you can grow a lemon tree? Those two things don’t really go together, but that’s how my brain works… go buy a lemon and clean the seeds and plant them in a pretty pot in the kitchen… I’ve heard it’s really easy… and then you can say you did something with those lemons life gave you! 😀

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    1. I have some lemons, Kate, I’m going to try that, I love the smell. Then life will give me lemons and I’ll make some refreshing lemon and cucumber water. 😉
      Hope this day treats you kindly, Kate, you made me smile. 🙂

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  19. You are in an interesting place, Donna, one we all know well. It’s that rollercoaster for us all, we just learn over the years that it goes up and dives deep before it ultimately levels out to a place of comfort. But so many of us, knowing that, stand in line to get on it again. It’s the constant thrill, and it is so seductive. ❤️ 💛 💙 💜

    Love your pictures…adorable. Grandmother put us in frills. When she passed, it was all about practical clothes…we dressed like all the boys in the hood.

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  21. It seems we grew up during the same years of fashion, decor, and toys! Love the photos. Alas, I was a tomboy, but loved to wear flouncey ruffles and such. I was also the chubby one…my mother despaired of me wearing anything tailored that would have made me look smaller instead of wider. LOL Have a great day!

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  23. Heartfelt thinking out loud, Donna. Your bit about numbers and bra-sizes and middle-age cracked me up – all those growing out-of and growing up pieces of wisdom. I have to say I haven’t been bored in twenty years, more like frazzled – perhaps two sides of the same coin, because tackling both requires a bit of self-awareness, outside the box thinking, courage, and determination. You are there, you see it, the journey will unfold. Thanks for helping me do a little thinking out loud too. 🙂

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    1. Glad to hear you enjoyed it. 🙂
      Yes, frazzled is a great word, it definitely applies.
      It’s wonderful, isn’t it, that we all can be here for each other. 🙂
      Hope this weekend treats you kindly. 🙂

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  25. I love that you gave the definition of “black”, something I’d do, too. LOL But, that ennui? I don’t feel it often but when I do, it’s a sign that I have to shake it up a bit. Somehow. I will keep you in my thoughts that you find your mojo in that way.

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  28. I’ll admit to getting a bit lost at the end (and I frankly had no way to access the numbers/bra size piece given my age and gender) and ended up thinking of the reason why the Boomtown Rats wrote I don’t like Mondays… I enjoyed this because I like surreal only I’ve come away not sure if this was surreal…

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  31. ‘Should’ve been you’ wow that really resonates. I wasn’t a girlie-girl either or a tomboy, but my mom had my sister for that. Yet my sister is the tougher, ‘don’t take shit pull herself up by the bootstraps’ one of us two (3 including my brother). I’m on that roller coaster and it has more dips than highs.

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  32. Hooow in the whole wide world do you come up with posts which makes us think and also grin ear to ear 😀 And your choice of gifs and pics are just amazing 🙂 Stay who you are Donna 🙂 Whether girlie girl or tom boy , you are a wonderful person and I am sure your friends and family love you for that 🙂

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      2. Minaxi, thank you so much, not just for the lovely nomination, but for the sweet words. I’m always glad to hear I can make people smile and/or laugh. 🙂
        Thank you again and thanks to Nikki for such an amazing party!
        Hope this week treats you well. 🙂

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      3. I love your posts Donna !! I meant every single word I wrote. The gifs, your way of writing everything is so funny, and its like therapy 😀 Be awesome like this always 🙂 And am so glad we could connect 🙂 Hope you have a lovely week ahead as well ❤

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  33. You may not have been a girly-girl but look at the woman you turned out to be. I hate to hear you get depressed, the Black Dog can bite as well as bark but the number of replies you got shows just how well loved and supported you are, keep that in mind.
    xxx Humongous Hugs xxx

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    1. Thank you so much, dearest David, you’re always so lovely! 🙂
      That black dog keeps barking and biting at me, I’m trying to throw it a bone or maybe a giant steak. 😉
      Yes, everyone has been so kind and supportive, you’re all giving me a warm glow. 🙂
      Massive delight-filled hugs. 🙂 xo

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  35. This post is well timed because I’ve been on the down slope of the roller coaster lately and I’m feeling too tired to pull up those bootstraps, but I will…I know that the roller coaster will be on the upswing soon and I appreciate your honesty in this post…you are not alone:)

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    1. Thank you, Kim. I’m sorry to hear you’re also on the down slope of the roller-coaster. I hope you can ahold of those bootstraps and give them a good yank! You are not alone either. Hope this weekend treats you kindly. 🙂

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    1. And thank you for your kind words, Kathleen and for having such a lovely place for us bloggers to drop by and find like-minded bloggers!!! 🙂
      Thank you for sharing my post. 🙂
      Hope this day treats you well. 🙂

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  39. I love freestyle writing of random thoughts… so therapeutic. Writing therapy is a great way to beat stress. Lately I have been encouraging my daughter to try it. Cheers!

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  40. Really relate to this. I was half tomboy/ half girlie girl too – climbed roofs with my brother and another friend and also liked to play with Barbies. Definitely a roller coaster person myself. Have a great day!

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  41. As you age, you care less about what other people think of you. And with depression, it has been said it is suppressed anger, so best to define what is really bothering you and make the change.
    Find your passions, pursue them and let no one stop you!

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    1. Very true.
      If only it were that simple and if only we could change everything bothering us. 🙂
      Trying, thank you, hope this week treats you well. 🙂

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  42. Those childhood photos are adorable! I love the Mrs Beasley doll.

    I had to laugh when you talked about girls comparing Numbers. Those were stressful conversations, man! I don’t know if my friends inflated their numbers, but I felt there was no way I could compete. However, I’m pleased to say some of those girls remain dear friends today, which shows how lucky I’ve been.

    Thanks for another encouraging post. This is a great way to start the week. 🙂

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    1. Thank you kindly. I loved my Mrs. Beasley. 🙂
      Yes, it was all a numbers game – some numbers were higher than others, that’s for sure. 😉 When friends stay friends, that’s not just lucky, but real work. 🙂
      I’m so glad you liked it, hope the rest of the week treats you kindly. 🙂

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  44. I can relate to a lot of this post Donna. Your posts are always filled with entertainment, as well as the underlying messages within them. I’m sure many of us ride that roller coaster many days; I know I am. But oh, those tasty snacks are so gratifying. 🙂

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    1. Thank you kindly, Debby.
      While the roller-coaster can be fun, I’d like a ticket to ride on another, smoother ride, but the snacks are still cool. 😉
      Hope this week is treating you well. 🙂

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  45. This is fantastic! I could relate to so much of your post. Then I realized that you are one of the “select” few (select as in small) few that has frequented my blog and now I am all the more honored.

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    1. Thank you kindly, Bryce. 🙂
      Don’t worry about the numbers, just keep doing what you’re doing, they’ll come. Really. 🙂
      I’m so glad we found each other in this giant virtual haystack. 🙂
      Hope this week is treating you well.

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  48. Ups, downs, ins and outs, faking it, tomboy, brothers, boredom. Yup, been there and done that.I think it’s called LIFE! You are doing just fine, because you’re a thinker and a writer and that’s the best place to be. Wonderful post, Donna.

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    1. Cathy, I think you’re right, life just catches you the wrong way sometimes.
      And I think you’re right about that too, sometimes you just need to talk, or write it out. 🙂
      Hope this week is treating you kindly. 🙂

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  49. I don’t think of myself as being on a roller coaster or a ferris wheel. I think of myself as being on a merry-go-round, on one of those horses that goes up & down as it goes around. Kind of a modified version of the worst features of both the coaster and the wheel! i’m special like that, I guess. Great thoughts here.

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    2. I loved merry-go-rounds, but I always felt a little unsteady on my feet when I got off, but it is up and down and round and round….maybe we need a ticket to a more productive ride. 😉

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    1. Shona, so glad we found each other in this giant virtual haystack! 🙂
      I’ve been enjoying your blog and I hope we can virtually visit often! 🙂
      I hope this weekend is filled with light and love, Donna

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    1. I thought you’d made my day with your post earlier today, Teagan, but you’re featuring my suggestions!!! Awe-some! I’m so thrilled! I think your post got me thinking about this post, cool, we’re inspiring each other. 🙂
      Mega groovy hugs, dear friend. Hope you’re feeling better soon. 🙂

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  56. Thanks for stoping by Space, Time, and Raspberries!

    Being new here, I don’t know how old you are, but the photos suggest you’re younger than I am. Have you already begun to experience the joys, confusion, emotional upheaval, fogginess, and scattered thinking that frequently mark peri-menopause? If you have, maybe this boredom is a deeper stage. If you haven’t, maybe this is your beginning.

    Rest assured, it passes. And the glitches that happen before that can be fodder for humor. When viewed in a certain light. If your tears don’t get in the way. If you can think clearly enough to find it. If you can remember what you were looking for.

    What was I saying?

    Oh, yeah. It passes.

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    1. I was pleased to find your site, love the title and the content. 🙂
      I think my age would be called around mid-century (lol), I have Fibromyalgia so I already had much of that, but yup, wait, there’s more! Maybe this is just another joy added to that. It’s nice to hear it passes and you’re right, it can be fodder for humour, what was Nora Ephron’s point, “Everything is copy”.
      Glad to virtually meet you, Sue, hope we can virtually visit often. 🙂

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      1. Glad to have connected! There was actually a moment when my mind seemed to clear — like a curtain being pulled back and light streaming in came the realization, “I’m back!”

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  57. Ok, so I said “me, too!” so many times while reading this…and I also had a Mrs. Beasley. Soon after, I think, came Bean Bag Babies. Loving your place.

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  59. I find that one of the many nice things of being over 50 is that I get more confident as I get older. I worry less, try to prove less to others and more to myself. Of course, I did a lot of worrying and put in a lot of work in my younger years to actually get to this stage. I take it gratefully as a reward. Thank you for reminding me💗

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  60. I tried to be a girly girl but had 2 brothers and as a “gang,” 3 born in 4 years we had so much fun! D, you could break your posts up and fill a month with all of your fun and deeper thoughts. Hugs, Robin

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  62. Pingback: FEATURED: Thinking Out Loud by yadadarcyyada | ' Ace Social & Media News '

    1. Ian, thank you kindly! Wow, it’s sort of funny to see this on another site, cause the the pictures, I guess. I really appreciate the feature and hope this week is good to you, really good. 🙂

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  64. I did love the bra sizes chart, I might take it with me when I go bra shopping. Thanks to Teagan and bringing up Family Affair. I named my son after the cute boy Jodi. My Jodi died at 4 years old so it was a sad-sweet memory.
    We love you coming to visit us Donna.
    Kathleen

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    1. It might be a helpful resource guide, er, maybe not. 😉
      I loved that show. I’m sorry about your loss, that would be a sad-sweet memory, Kathleen.
      It’s always a lovely visit, hope this week is treating you kindly so far. 🙂

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